In Search Of...

Cat Power - Lived In Bars (Live Jools Holland June 26, 2006)

2012-01-31T23:21:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since last time I was "hit" by a song at the first time I listened to it. This is such a song. It really "hit" me the first time I listened to it. The piano at the beginning, the trumpet following it and finally the bass guitar making up the entrance is soothing. The vocal is humble, clear and plain; it is easy to follow, but beneath its plainness, it is deep and touching. I really liked the song, the music, the instruments, and the vocal. But more than anything else, I liked the way the song made me feel. I felt good, relaxed, pure, simple, safe, natural, sane, empty, free, serene.

I read on the news that they are going to do a concert in Istanbul, Taksim on the 9th of February. So, if I can find somebody to come with me, I guess I will go and listen to them live.

You walk a lonely road. Oh! How far you are from home.

2012-01-26T00:21:00.000-08:00

Being on the Road...

2012-01-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode. At those times, I want to be on the road and traveling... I don't exactly know why, but traveling, or being on the road, the feeling of being on the way to somewhere else makes me feel calmer. Does it feel like escaping? Could that be the reason why I feel relatively better? I am not sure. Maybe it has some role... But is that it?

I do not think so. I think it is more than that... When I am on the road, the disturbance inside me abates, and my mind starts to be filled with endless images that suddenly blossom in every corner of my brain as I move further into the depth of the road. For instance, if I am in a bus, and when the bus moves further on the road, it feels like I move further into myself, into my head, into my mind, instead of advancing on the road itself. As the bus moves further, it feels like the destination moves away as well, and at the same time it feels like I get lost in the deeper corners of my mind.

And then my mind slows down.

I calm down.

I feel peace...

I cannot sleep tonight, I have you on my mind...

2012-01-18T04:50:00.000-08:00

Snow in Istanbul...

2012-01-15T01:57:00.000-08:00

Snow is falling here in Istanbul again. This is the first time this year, but the second time this winter. The first time it snowed, it was very little, but this time it snowed really good. The forest behind our home is completely white now, offering us a great scene to look at, to relax, to lose yourself in in your peaceful dreams, hopes, goals - if you have any.

Yesterday, I went out to go to the gym, but it wasn't a very good idea. Every thing was messed up. There was no electric in many parts of the city. The subway system and the trams were not working. The busses and the minibusses were the only alternatives. The traffic was crazy. But despite all, I managed to make it to the gym; however, only to learn that they didn't have any electiricty either, so there was no way to do anything there. There was no point in waiting; the whole city was gone mad, so the best thing to do was to get back at home as soon as possible. Perhaps, I should have never left it at the beginning. On the way back home, the subway started working, but due to electrical and technical problems, it was working very slowly. What would normally take something like 25 minutes took about 1 hour this time. Finally I arrived at home around 9pm in the evening after 4 hours of wandering in the city.

Today, it's a sunny day. And I started thinking whether I should go to the gym today. I don't know if it's worth it, but I find peace in doing sports. I forget many of my daily problems and worries while doing sports. So, I guess I will try to go anyway.

They say that it will start snowing on Monday again, and this time there will be even more snow. I actually like snow very much, just as I like winter and autumn very much. But when you live in a city of 15 million people, in which the infrastructure, transportation system, and many other necessities are not really well-organized and well-established, snow, rain, winter, or autumn - and sometimes even sun and summer - turns into a trouble rather than an object of joy, peace or pleasure.

But even then, and despite all difficulties it brings us, I accept snow as it comes. It brings something new and different to our monochrome lives here which are surrounded by monochrome walls and monochrome flats.

And most important of all, I like winter and snow because when I embrace it, there I find a peaceful warmth in it.

Juliet and Sawyer: The incident: If I never meet you then I'll never hav...

2012-01-14T00:37:00.000-08:00

Why...

2012-01-01T10:22:00.001-08:00

Why can't I just hug you? :(

Coldplay - Fix You

2011-12-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

Forgetting Sarah Marshall Inside of You - Sahan Prabudda

2011-10-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know you, but for me, this sounds just like a sad song...

Love and Knowledge: Less or More (II)

2011-10-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

All these areproducts of a simple logic. That is, simple results produced from certainsimple assumptions. Perhaps too much oxygen does not hurt the lungs, or causeit to explode. Perhaps there is a limit, and when that limit is surpassed, thenthe human lungs tranform into a new form which is larger, more comprehensiveand with greater capabilities. This way, human lungs can perhaps transform intosomething that is more developed than the normal human lungs. And that does notnecessarily require a physical proof, or that it has to take place like thatphysically. What is required is to evaluate the idea and whether it can takeplace ideally or not. Similarly, too much knowledge can force the human mind toa certain extent; however, perhaps there is a limit too, and when that limit issurpassed as well (perhaps, only some few can do that, who knows), thatperson’s mind and brain capacity go beyond the normal human mind and braincapacities.

So you would like to see more, butseeing her more makes you feel worse. That’s a two sided situation. And bothfeelings can exist in the same person at the same time. And this situationcontinues both while seeing her, and while being away from her. When you’rewith her, you would want to look at her more. But as you look more, you wouldfeel greater pains in your heart and in your mind. Then you would want to stop;you would want less. You would wish not looking at her, not seeing her. Thisway, you would think, and you would hope that your feelings will weaken,therefore your pain and suffering will lessen. But it wouldn’t work. You wouldstill feel the pain while you’re not seeing her, and then you would want to seeher, even for a second. It’s like being addicted to drug. You would say thatyou will see her for a very short time, and that will be the last time, butwith that very short time, you would reverse the whole process back to thebeginning. Then you would want more again. There is no end in this. There is noend to this vicious cycle. To end this, you would need to end all things andbring the end; that is, death. That would be the only way out of the circle,only way to salvation. That is the breaking up of your hopes and your relationswith the circle. And for you, the salvation lies outside the circle anymore.

Knowledge hasthis two-sided situation as well. If you are really running behind knowledge,behind reality or truth, that is to say, if you don’t have the answers ready athand, or if you didn’t take them for granted from certain units, such asreligion, tradition, custom, ideology, culture, etc., then the process ofacquiring knowledge would bring out such two-sided situation for you as well.

The process of acquiring knowledgemeans the development of both chaos and the orderliness of one’s mind. If theorderliness of the mind is not satisfactory, this pushes one to continueacquiring more knowledge. This way, the person thinks that he/she will be ableto overcome two things: 1) That he/she will be able to overcome the chaos inhis/her mind and that he/she will be able to establish a new order in his/hermind. 2) That he/she will be able to find the knowledge of the truth, orreality. This way, the person thinks that he/she will reach to wholeness,completeness, totality, or the knowledge of the whole. But on the other hand,acquiring more knowledge does not remove the chaos, disorder from one’s mind.That is, the state of disorder does not reach to a state of wholeness.

Just like it isnot possible to achieve peace of mind and orderliness of the mind via acquiringthe knowledge of the whole or becoming one with the whole, similarly it is notpossible to reach to what we call love, the feeling of love, and what it is,etc. Both of these – love and knowledge – lead people to the same end, to thesame dilemmatic end. And in that way they are similar to each other.

In the finalanalysis, where does this circle of “hunger for knowledge but not being able toknow” lead people?

1) Either the person admits his/herepistemological helplessness and weakness, and accepts living life this way –in a state of ignorance.

2) Or, the person breaks this circleone day, and he/she knows one day. This way, he/she achieves peace of mind.

3) Or finally, the person tries anotherway, other than breaking the circle by overcoming the dilemma of wanting toknow and not being able to know. In order to do this, he/she wants to go beyondthe unknowable. He/she approaches one of the unknowns that stands in front ofhim/her. What he/she thinks is to confront death (the unknown) and go beyondthat. This way, he/she thinks that he/she will go beyond the unknown andfinally know things, see things and understand things. What he/she does at thatpoint is not simply taking his/her life. Instead, it is reaching to the stateof knowing. This way, he/she removes the curtain between the real and non-real,and reaches to the knowledge of the reality.

Kiss the Rain, Will You?

2011-09-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

It rained today... I have been waiting for long for this moment to come. I have been longing for rain. I have been longing for it to come and cure my pain, clean my soul and carry my sufferings away. I wanted it to come, so that I could cry unnoticed, so that my tears could mix with the drops that fall down the sky.

Sometimes a full crying, and sometimes even a drop of tear can save a life. So, who knows... Maybe the rain would carry my tears away to you, to where you are. And when it rains on your side, you could be saved too.

But for that, you would need to open yourself up to rain, and understand the limits of human suffering; how much pain one can endure... For that, you would need to let rain inside of you; slip through your tongue, and reach out to your heart. Then you would feel the warmth deep inside, and you would understand.

So, when it rains there; kiss the rain for me, will you?

Love and Knowledge: Less or More? (I)

2011-09-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

An intense moment of emotion comesfirst... You would feel your lungs lacking air; so you would want more. Youwould want to go out, open your arms wide, look at the sky and take all the airin. It would not work.

Your heart would start beating faster, but its beatingfaster would not help your body relax. On the contrary, its pacewould force you, strain you even more. Because as your heart runs more rapidly,your metabolism runs faster as well. And those forces that strain you becomeseven further stronger; they would squeeze you more powerfully. In order tosurvive, you would want to go out to a more open area, to a higher place, tobreathe more oxygen in, and you would want to stay alone. At that moment, youwould dream of being on the top of a snowy mountain, being on the edge of acliff. You would want to look down from there; look at everything from a bird’seye. Those you would want to see would be far away from you then, and you couldsee them as you imagined them, as you dreamt them to look like, or where youwant them to be: either on the sky, or on the snowy surface of the mountainacross, or somewhere else where nobody else could see. While you are looking ather, you would want the streams of wind running through the mountains embraceyour body and pass you out because you would know that oxygen creates a drugeffect for the mind, and you would hope that this could make you feel relieved.But it would not work either. It would not. Work.

Knowledge is like theair one breathes in. The more air you breathe in, the larger your lungs become.You can even improve the capacity of your body by breathing more oxygen in.This way, it becomes easier for your heart to pump blood to the very capillariesof your body. However, an ordinary human being can continue his/her normal lifeby breathing standard amounts of oxygen as well. There is no problem with this.Actually an ordinary human being is designed to pursue a normal life. Goingbeyond this level or staying behind that is moving beyond the standards. A human being cancontinue his/her life with more oxygen, and there occurs certain changes inhim/her. However, it seems that there is a limit to that excess. That is to say,there is a limit to the maximum amount of oxygen one’s lungs can take. For instance, too muchoxygen can damage one’s lungs, or in some cases it can even cause it toexplode.

Similarly, an ordinary human beingcan pursue his/her life with a standard level of knowledge. This is the minimumlevel of knowledge required for that person to maintain his/her life. But onecan acquire extra knowledge as well. And with a simple logic, one thinks thatthere should also be a limit to the amount of knowledge one can get. As seenabove, extra oxygen can cause physical problems, but what about extraknowledge? What does it do? Does it hurt one’s mind, brain, soul or psychology?Is too much knowledge harmful for human beings? Is it possible for humans to acquireknowledge more than one can handle? Or, is there such a level of knowledge thatis more than humans can handle? Aren’t humans capable of acquiring all theknowledge that exists and that does not exist? Does too much knowledge make onesuffer, or provide emancipation? Does it drag one to madness, or to wisdom? Cantoo much knowledge, just like in the example of too much air damaging the lungs,can damage the brain of a human being – or perhaps his/her soul?

I will continue later...

"It’s to test the limits of the human heart."

2011-09-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

I watched "Without Limits" long time ago, and since then I always remembered it when I watched long-distance races on TV. I always got excited when I saw runners arriving at their last laps, giving their final blows to make a difference and win the race. Most of the time, seeing their efforts made me drop tears; sometimes even cry. I don't exactly know why, but maybe it has got something to do with the idea that Prefontaine, by his unique style of running, was trying to deliver to the people who watched him performing: That a race is an art, and its purpose is to test the limits of the human heart.

Below, you can find the speech of Bill Bowerman, coach of Steve Prefontaine, taken from the movie "Without Limits".

"All of my life, man and boy, I have operated under the assumption that the main idea in running was to win the damn race. Actually when I became a coach I, I tried to teach people how to do that. I tried to teach Pre how to do that. I tried like hell to teach Pre to do that. And Pre taught me, taught me I was wrong. Pre, you see, was troubled by knowing that a mediocre effort can win a race. And a magnificent effort can lose one. Winning a race wouldn’t necessarily demand that he give it everything he had from start to finish. He never ran any other way. I tried to get him to. God knows, I tried. But Pre was stubborn. He insisted on holding himself to a higher standard than victory. A race is a work of art. That’s what he said. That’s what he believed. And he was out to make it one every step of the way. Of course, he wanted to win. Those who saw him compete and those who competed against him were never in any doubt about how much he wanted to win. But how he won mattered to him more. Pre thought I was a hard case. But he finally got it through my head that the real purpose of running isn’t to win a race. It’s to test the limits of the human heart. And that he did. Nobody did it more often. Nobody did it better."

Just a Moment in Time...

2011-09-04T02:48:00.000-07:00

I want to wake up, after a long-long sleep, to a chilly night in autumn in an old villa, or in an old little wooden cottage high in the mountains in the Wild West. You just sit beside me in bed. The windows are open. I can hear the rain dropping, and the thunders roaring softly. A gentle wind is blowing and filling the room. I feel a slight trembling. I can’t open my eyes yet, but I say a few words. Then you warmly whisper to me: “Relax, it is alright now…” And then you start playing with my hair, and talking to me with your heavenly voice.

Hearing your voice, feeling your touch, I just then feel myself in peace!

"I want to die with a hand on my heart!"

2011-08-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

Why all this pompous lives? Why all this pretentious cars, clothes, houses, jobs? What is it about simplicity, purity, naivity, sincerity and artlessness that irritates people to the depth of their souls? I am not against struggling, working hard, being ambitious, but there's something very human that bothers me, that I think troubles our existence, that makes life difficult, and sometimes even unbearable.

I like one of Adam Smith's books, The Theory of Moral Sentiments, written in 1759, and I like seeing how Smith himself is a far more complicated thinker than he is usually portrayed at universities, simply as the thinker behind capitalist economy, or the philosophical founder of the "classical liberal capitalism". Yes, he wrote the Wealth of Nations as well, but that was only one part of his struggle.

Today, I read on a friend's facebook profile a quote from Carl Jung in which he says: "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being." So, how are we to evaluate Smith then? He was just trying to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. He was trying to make a difference. I think that mood is applicable to the modern philosophers in general, but I am not taking an elitist stance here and attributing this mood only to philosophers. It applies to everyone. And Smith's writings should also be viewed with this principle in mind.

So, what does Smith say in The Theory of Moral Sentiments? I just think that he asks nice questions...

"For to what purpose is all the toil and bustle of this world? What is the end of avarice and ambition, of the pursuit of wealth, of power, and pre-eminence? Is it to supply the necessities of nature? The wages of the meanest labourer can supply them. We see that they afford him food and clothing, the comfort of a house, and of a family. If we examine his economy with rigour, we should find that he spends a great part of them upon conveniences, which may be regarded as superfluities, and that, upon extraordinary occasions, he can give something even to vanity and distinction. What then is the cause of our aversion to his situation, and why should those who have been educated in the higher ranks of life, regard it as worse than death, to be reduced to live, even without labour, upon the same simple fare with him, to dwell under the same lowly roof, and to clothes in the same humble attire? Do they imagine that their stomach is better, or their sleep sounder, in a palace than in a cottage? The contrary has been so often observed, and, indeed, is so very obvious, though it had never been observed, that there is nobody ignorant of it."

I have my own ambitions in life; there are certain goals I want to reach in life... But, what in essence is it that I want? What do I want at the end?

I just want to live a simple life, and die with a hand on my heart.

MODEL - Değmesin Ellerimiz

2011-08-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

"I want to die with a hand on my heart!"

2011-08-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

The good thing about internet is that it makes it easier for you to be aware that there are thousands of people around the world who are like you, who think like you, who want the things you want: a simple, decent life with maximum space for freedom, but away from enmities, violence, luxury, prejudice, hypocrisy, double-talks, endless struggle for profit, bigger cars, larger lands, etc.

The question is why do we continue to suffer by living in a system which we don't fit and with people with whom we don't get along well while it is possible to live a different life with different people. What prevents us from forming smaller, republican type social-political bodies so that in this short life we could have some fun, we could have what we want... When will we finally get rid of the suffocating limitations of the nation-state, the idea of a nation, of religion, of culture that is only given to us, but not created by us?

We know that there are people out there like us, and we communicate with each other. What else do we need to be able to break our chains and build something of our own, instead of continuing cursing the capitalist system under which we live? What else is needed to bring such a change to the world? What other conditions are necessary? When such conditions will be at hand, and when will we finally enjoy a life of our own making with the people we like, with the ideas we like and with the ideals we like?

I seriously do not want things from this life. I don't want money, richness, luxury, a car, an apartment, and a energy-consuming life that offers nothing, but an endless struggle to appropriate such things. No, I don't want that. I only want a simple and decent life. And I want to die with a hand on my heart!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Chris Impellitteri

2011-06-02T02:36:00.000-07:00

Turkey, Europe, Muslim, Christian: Does it Matter?

2011-05-13T11:31:00.001-07:00

I am aware of the criticisms of the classical modernization theory, yet I cannot help myself see around me the various verifications of it. Classical modernization theory, as it was developed by Max Weber, explains the “unique” evolution of Western civilization. Central to this analysis were the concepts of rationalization and disenchantment. It was then applied to “non-Western” societies, and argued that they too will pass through these stages, and will become modern, or modernized in the end.

Now, living in Turkey, which many calls a “non-Western” society, and looking around me, observing the people, the way they live, the roles culture and religion play in the society and in people’s lives, the development of capitalism, democracy and secularism, the rise of cities, the increasing of the urban population, of the education level, the health system, etc., I see a society reflecting almost all the qualities of a modern society, or a still modernizing one. One could argue that these are only the material qualities, and say that the modernization theory does not hold true in the “spiritual” sense. That could support the criticisms of the theory. However, in Turkey, I do not see this material modernization around me only. I see a country becoming “modern” in cultural, religious, psychological, perhaps, philosophical aspects as well.

Take any city from Europe and compare it with Istanbul, Izmir, Ankara, or other relatively “modernized” cities of Turkey – modernized in material aspects. Compare these cities with respect to the non-material aspects of modernization and see to what extent they resemble each other, or they are different from each other. Compare the birth rates, the age of marriage, the number of psychologists or psychiatrists per person, the types of psychological problems, divorce rates, number of children per family, level of alcohol consumption, level of premarital sexual relations, level of secularism, level of secular reasoning as opposed to religious reasoning, level of individualism, level of rationalization, bureaucratization, disenchantment and so on and so forth. Then tell me, in what ways Turkish modernization has produced a significantly different version of modernity so that it can be considered as an alternative type of modernity?

Where are the multiple modernities?

About a Few Movies I watched Recently

2011-04-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on this blog. It was not because I did not have anything to write about, because various topics/ideas came to my mind at different times. But perhaps, I did not take the time to formulate these thoughts in my mind; I did not spend time thinking about them, and consequently they did not develop into a writing, but rather stayed as fragmented sentences. Leaving these fragmented writings aside, here in this entry, I will mention a few movies I have watched recently, and also write a few comments about them.

The first movie I will talk about is 500 Days of Summer. This was a nice, but a slightly serious movie about the issue of love, what it means to love, whether there is anything as "the love at first sight", etc. I liked the movie because the story unfolds in a problematic way; things become difficult, sad, negative, etc. In the end, it gives you an answer, but perhaps an answer which you would not like.

The second movie is Creation. It is the story of the writing process of the "Origin of Species" of Charles Darwin. I really liked to watch the inner struggle of Darwin in the process of writing his book, but more important than that, I liked watching Darwin's relationship with his daughter, Annie. I think a child sometimes can give a person a reason to live, a reason to struggle, and a reason to strive for knowledge. Child can be both a student and a teacher, but perhaps more importantly, a companion in that searching process for knowledge. Annie, as it was told in the movie, was such a child for Darwin, and if I ever would have a child, I think I would like to develop a relationship of that kind.

The third movie is Eat, Pray, Love. This was the story of a middle-aged woman who finds her marriage to be meaningless, and ends it to start a new life. In that process, she leaves her life in the USA behind and moves first to Italy, then to India, and then to Bali to pursue a self-searching process. In these different locations, she meets different people, different lives, different goals, etc., and finally finds her own goals as well. The movie was not bad, but I think it was unnecessarily long.

The fourth movie is Pleasantville. For me, this was a great movie. It is a movie about the transformation of a society, and how painful it can be for the people who live in it. I really liked the movie and to see how people suffered during various changes, how others tried to resist against those changes, and how the "simple" life of the previous order was replaced with the "complex" life of the latter order. It made me sad and nostalgic.

The last movie is called Four Faced Liar. It was an interesting movie about four young people who live in New York. Two of them are long-term couples who previously had a long-distance relationship. Then they decide to move in together in New York, but things do not go as they expected. They meet a brother and a sister who live together, and they become friends with them. After that, things start to get complicated and interesting.

To Revolt is to Exist!

2011-02-03T02:12:00.000-08:00

Into the Wild - Trailer

2010-12-14T13:06:00.000-08:00

"There are people in this world who go looking for adventure. Christopher McCandless was searching for himself."

Flashdance - What A Feeling - Irene Cara - Official Video - Jennifer Beals

2010-11-25T11:41:00.000-08:00

The Creation of Human: The Good Ones

2010-10-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

One man (HGW XX/7) erased, did not write, did not report, tried to be good, as much as he could. The other man watched, wrote down, reported, searched, investigated and murdered. Good? Evil?

At the beginning, we only knew good and evil. We worked on it, but we messed up. We said evil to good things, or people, and good to the evils. We confused things, and we get confused as well. We have been warned from inside and outside. It did not really help. Later we searched again, we ran to the hills to find a solitude. We looked for a different way; we searched for it. There we contemplated again, thought about things, and came down to earth to preach going Beyond Good and Evil. It did not work either. At least, it seemed so. Or perhaps, things were simpler than we had thought. Perhaps, it was only good and evil. Perhaps, it was not the time yet, and it was still waiting to be discovered - perhaps, by some good men and women. Perhaps...

And when your Lord said to the angels, (2:30), "I am going to place in the earth a khalif (vicegerent)". They said: "What! Will Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness?" He said: "Surely I know what you do not know."

And so God created human. Good and Evil.
But what was it that He knew?

Fuck You! I saw the State Today!

2010-09-29T07:48:00.001-07:00

Many political philosophers, whom from now on I will call as idiots, defined state as a non-real entity, as a historical construction. To them I say, "Fuck you! I saw the state today."

I saw it in the customs standing with all its might to prevent me from reaching to something that was sent to me as a gift from a friend in Iran. It said: "You cannot take it because there is no bill for that." I said: "It is a gift; how can there be a bill for a gift?" It said: "You cannot take it, if there is no bill." There was no bill. And so it happened in the end: I could not take it.

I got sad, and I came back home. I felt frustrated, but enlightened as well. To those idiots, to their faces, I want to say it again: "Fuck you! I saw the state today."

That, I will never forget!

Hence the Ways of Men Part...

2010-08-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

Bonn, June 11, 1865: Letter to Elisabeth Nietzsche

Dear Lisbeth,

[....] As for your principle that truth is always on the side of the more difficult, I admit this in part. However, it is difficult to believe that 2 times 2 is not 4; does that make it true?

On the other hand, is it really so difficult simply to accept everything that one has been brought up on and that has gradually struck deep roots—what is considered truth in the circle of one’s relatives and of many good men, and what, moreover, really comforts and elevates men? Is that more difficult than to strike new paths, fighting the habitual, experiencing the insecurity of independence and the frequent wavering of one’s feelings and even one’s conscience, proceeding often without any consolation, but ever with the eternal goal of the true, the beautiful, and the good?

Is it decisive after all that we arrive at that view of God, world, and reconciliation which makes us feel most comfortable? Rather, is it not the result of his inquiries something wholly indifferent to the true inquirer? Do we after all seek rest, peace, and pleasure in our inquiries? No, only truth—even if it be the most abhorrent and ugly.

Still one last question: if we had believed from childhood that all salvation issued from someone other than Jesus—say, from Mohammed—is it not certain that we should have experienced the same blessings? I point this out to you, dear Lisbeth, only to disprove the most common means of evidence relied upon by orthodox people who derive the infallibility of their belief from subjective, inner experience. Every true faith accomplishes what the person who has the faith hopes to find in it; but faith does not offer the least support for a proof of objective truth.

Hence the ways of men part: if you want to achieve peace of mind and happiness, then have faith; if you want to be a disciple of truth, then search. [....]

When Nietzsche Wept

2010-07-18T11:59:00.001-07:00

Nietzsche has not been a central figure in my search. I have not read many things from him. And before I met him, I had already steered my life toward searching anyway. But interestingly, after I explicitly made searching to be the course of my life, I accidentally came across his words which made me as much excited as I can be and which from then onwards has functioned as the nicest way through which the main aim of my life can be expressed. Either have faith, or search, he said to his sister in a letter he wrote to her.

The former way was easy and comforting; or at least it seemed so. It was the one that we were all accustomed to; but the latter was difficult and painful which required a deliberate action, a positive will to get out of the comforting circle, the golden cage so to say. It depended on the individuals; but although looked comforting, some faced with unhappiness in the former, while others found happiness in the latter, in the rather troublesome course of searching.

It came with its way, with its difficulties, troubles and pains, but never imposed itself on people. It wanted to be chosen. It wanted to be willed. It wanted to be wanted. Just like God did. Yet it did not promise much, other than a feeling of a light satisfaction throughout the way and which might perhaps become stronger at the end of everything, of the search, only if you of course lived up to your promises that you made to it and to yourself - the promises of a virtuous life, the promises of an unshakable trust and faith in it, trust and faith for the end. But what if you would break your promises and lead astray? What if you want to stop searching? What if you one day want to go back to faith again? Would it still be faithful to you? Would it still wait for you to come back on the right track? Or would it abandon you where you left off?

Either way I think, in the end, you would find only what you searched for. Nothing more; nothing less. But you would not have the right, or the chance then, to ask whether it did worth choosing it, wanting it, willing it. In the end, you would just be left with what you have found. Nothing more; nothing less. It would be all up to you. The way itself would definitely be different than choosing the way of faith. But in the end, would that be any different than that of trusting God or having faith in God that he would not do any bad to you, that he would not harm you only if you lived up to your promises? And perhaps, who knows? Perhaps God would be more compassionate? Maybe after all you have done, he would still show you pity and accept you to his presence.

But, "what if?..."
That's not an easy question to escape from...

Yann Tiersen: Oh Yes :) or Oh No!!!

2010-07-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

I first happened to know Yann Tiersen through the wonderful songs he made for the movie Amélie. But I did not develop a big passion for his music then. Later, I listened to his songs again, and this time too they were made for a movie - Goodbye Lenin. I liked the songs; I really did. Yet I still did not start listening to Yann Tiersen until a moment when a couple of months ago I coincidentally watched him performing in two of his live videos on Youtube. The songs that captured me were not very many in number actually. These songs were Monochrome and Rue de Cascades; but what I saw in these videos were enough for me, and that was the beginning of my growing interest in Yann's music in a broader sense.

In addition to a touching music and lyrics, performance is also important for me; that is, the performance of the artist of course. Just as I like Damien Rice because he both makes great music, sensitive songs with great lyrics that make you feel something - something real - and also because he performs the songs so passionately, without faking, with a sense of respect to his art, to what he is doing, to what he is producing and of course to the people who are listening to it. Those who are interested in can read the short piece I wrote here in my blog about how I feel about Damien's music, but as for Yann Tiersen, I think the same reason applied. I started to like his songs at the beginning, but I did not start listening to him in the real sense until I also listened to his lyrics and until I watched him perform.

And last Sunday, I went to Yann Tiersen's concert in Istanbul. For me, it was supposed to be one of the rare moments in life in which I would feel myself a whole; (I plan to write something on music, Yann Tiersen, Damien Rice, etc. some time later again, so I hope I can explain what I mean by feeling whole then) but in reality, it was one of the biggest disappointments of my life. There are many reasons about that, and most of them are hard to explain, but just to mention a few, I can say that he seemed like he was not really enjoying what he was doing; he did not like being there. Therefore watching somebody like that was not really joyful for the audience either. In addition, there were organizational problems as well. The people were taken to the concert area 3 hours before the concert started, and we waited there for 3 hours just for the concert to begin. And when it began, we saw a man who could not wait until the concert lasted. The concert took one and a half hours which was a reason for my disappointment as well.

I have some questions about artists, music and arts, and I know that they have been asked by so many other people until now. This will be a repetition, but anyway... Should the artists be responsive to the audience? Should they interact with the audience? Should they try to make the people enjoy the concert as well? Should they show some effort for that? Should there be a minimum limit as to how much they are going to stay in the stage? Are there any ethical criteria through which artists can be judged, evaluated and held responsible? Are there artistic ethics or art ethics? What are the responsibilities of the artist? Does he/she have any? What are his/her rights? What are the rights of the audience? Can the artist treat them like a piece of shit and get away with it? Should the artists be allowed to continue living their lives like a spoiled child? Should we show patience to them when they behave so?

I can write more about that distasteful 4,5 hours of my life (not including the hours I spent while going to the concert area of course), and add more questions to that list, but I am not sure what good it would make, so I want to stop here because the more I remember those moments, the more angry I become. Should we hate Yann Tiersen and stop listening to his music? But then where else are we going to find somebody who can make such wonderful songs like this or like this?

Is Life a Search?

2010-03-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

When I decided that I was going to be an academician, it was in 2001. I was just a second year university student, a dedicated, a targeted sophomore student who was thinking that this was the only career that I could follow, pursue.

The years passed, I finished the university, and then received my master's degree in 2007. All these years, I have never been hesitant about my goal, about what I wanted to do in life, about the academic career... Until recently... After 9 years since I made my decision in 2001, now in 2010, while I am a second year PhD student in political science in one of the most prominent universities in Turkey, I feel hesitant, disturbed, confused.

Perhaps for a person whose life is centered around searching, this hesitancy and a possible switch in the direction of life should not come as a surprise, but if not surprising, it at least comes as frightening, scary... But what should I do then? I do not know. I want an answer for a question - the answer of which is not known: Is life a search?

And if it is so, then what is finding?

Dreams...

2010-02-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

Do you have any dreams?

Dreams, when revealed, disclosed, made public, look stupid or naive in the eye of the others.

Dreams, which you might not want to realize as your real choice, considering that (if) you have only one chance in this life, and that (if) it is not possible to live this life again...

Yet dreams, which you still would like to try for a short period of time, for once...

Do you have one? Any?

Tell me...

Mazzy Star: Flowers In December

2009-12-08T06:20:00.001-08:00

This is one of the songs I like the most, maybe because it is a song of a soundtrack of a movie which I like very much, or maybe it reminds of my flower, the December Flower. Since now it is again December, I wanted to share it with you as well. Hope you'll like it.

Helsinki: The City of Tender Rain, Gentle Breeze and Shy Rainbow

2009-09-07T10:24:00.001-07:00

I had the chance to visit many European countries over a process of two years when I was a master's student in Sweden. However, among the three neighbors of Sweden, I had visited just one: Norway. Denmark and Finland were very close as well; but instead of visiting these close Nordic countries, I traveled extensively in the continental Europe.

It's been approximately two years since I finished my master's studies in Sweden, and one year since I moved back to Istanbul; however, I kept traveling to Sweden from time to time, and this time, I had the chance to visit Finland too.

There are various companies, such as Viking Line, Silja Line, etc. that offer cruise trips between Sweden and Finland. We decided to go with viking line. It travels between Stockholm and Helsinki, departing at 17:30 in the afternoon, and arriving at its destination at 10:00 in the morning. As you can see, it takes very long: about 16 hours! So, we (me and my girlfriend) got on the boat at 17:30 on Thursday from Stockholm, and after 16 hours, arrived at Helsinki on Friday morning.

The first thing attracted my attention when we arrived at Helsinki was the bilingual character of the street names, traffic signs, etc. They were written both in Finnish and Swedish. Second thing that came to my mind was that Helsinki looked very similar to Stockholm. However, after a while I thought that evaluating Helsinki with respect to Stockholm would be very Swedish-centric, therefore I decided to be not so hasty, and wait until I spend some more time in the city. I thought that I could make another evaluation/judgment at the end of the visit.

When we arrived in the morning, we first walked through the shore toward the city center. It took about 15 minutes. On the way, there were some people selling souvenirs, vegetables, etc. When we came closer to the city center, another interesting thing attracted my attention. There were Finnish soldiers almost in every corner, standing still with their bags full, with a small cup in their hands, and asking for donations for Red Cross (I think) from people around them. Although turning soldiers into money collectors on the streets can be considered a creative idea, to me, to be honest, it seemed a bit irritating, since I don't really like seeing soldiers around me. I think in this way, Helsinki is not leaving a good impression on the visitors either. Tourists probably go back to their homes with the image of Helsinki in their minds that is surrounded by soldiers in every corner, and I assume this cannot be a very good thing to tell back at their homes.

Fourth thing I should mention that the two cathedrals in Helsinki (Helsinki Cathedral and Uspenski Cathedral) were very beautiful. We had the chance to enter the Helsinki Cathedral, and I liked its simple interior design as well. One other interesting thing inside was that there wasn't a statue/image of Jesus hanged on a cross. Instead there was just a picture (a drawing) of Jesus being put down from the cross. Though I don't know whether that difference does really mean anything, it was interesting.

After we visited the Helsinki Cathedral, we went to the University of Helsinki - Helsinki Collegium for Advanced Studies to meet Andreas Bieler. First, I visited him in his office, and then we went out for a lunch together at the university cafeteria. (Those who are interested can find a detailed story of my meeting with Andreas Bieler at my other blog: http://neogramscian.blogspot.com) After meeting Andreas Bieler, we went to a café to drink something. After drinking something warm, we went to a bookstore at the city center. There were some interesting books I found in English, and I bought two books. One is Eric Hobsbawm's On History (12 Euros-Hardcover), and the other is Bertrand Russel's book Has Man a Future? (3 Euros-Hardcover).

I spent a lot of time at the bookstore, and after a while we got hungry. We went back to the university cafeteria to have dinner. After the dinner, the departure time for the boat was approaching, and so we had to walk back to the boat. On the way back to the boat, rain started pouring down; however, it was not just a simple rain. It was a very soft, tender rain, with tiny drops pouring down and tipping on our faces. It was also a bit windy, but rather than a wind, it was a gentle breeze embraced our bodies. It was a wonderful situation. You could walk under that rain for hours, but never get wet at all, and walk in that breeze and never feel cold at all! Maybe you could ask whether what the big deal with the rain and breeze is; but for me, it was a very special situation. Finally, when we arrived at the boat, the rain stopped, and the sun showed itself. And with that, a very nice, shy rainbow appeared behind the clouds shining over Helsinki.

And at that moment, I thought that I could make another evaluation/judgment about Helsinki, and I decided to call Helsinki as The city of Tender Rain, Gentle Breeze and Shy Rainbow. Though I am sure nobody would agree with me, that was my perception and characterization of Helsinki. :)

Iceland Eurovision 2009 - Yohanna - Is It True?

2009-05-18T06:14:00.001-07:00

Now the Eurovision song contest is over, I feel that I should write something about it. :) Not that the debate would be less complete if I was out of it, but I feel that I have been involved with this Eurovision debate and all the other talks around it for some time - at least since I started getting more involved with it after I went to Sweden in 2005. :) The first thing I want to talk about is my favorite songs. Or maybe I should say, my favorite song. :) As some of you might agree with me, it is rarely the case that there appears a really very beautiful song in the Eurovision contest. And in case it happens, I haven't yet experienced any year in which there were more than one really very good songs. I remember Serbia's song of "Molitva" which was one of my favorites of all times, and this year it is this song Is It True from Yohanna. I don't know if this is a mere coincidence that these two songs are slow ones, or not, but maybe it is so. I don't know. I first listened to this song during the contest and I don't know how better to express the things I felt when I listened to it, but maybe I can just briefly say that it touched me. Would that be explanatory enough so that you could also understand what I mean by that? :) Maybe, or I hope so. :) In my opinion, of course this song should have won the contest, but unfortunately the best songs don't always win. :) Well, Serbia won, but this couldn't... Anyway... The second thing I want to write about is that this voting system. You know it too, if you're in a way following the contest, that the voting system is a big issue here. Until this year it was the people who were voting, and with this year, as far as I know, a jury system has been incorporated to the voting system. So, I think, half of the votes is coming from the peoples' votes, and half is coming from the jury. This new system was expected to decrease the role and weight of neighbor-voting to a reasonable level, and in addition to that, give some weight to the artistic quality of the songs as well. The contest ended, however, the debates regarding the voting system didn't. :) I don't know if it will ever end, or what will happen in the following years, but first of all there is nothing naturally bad or good about it, or naturally criticize it because all the participant countries, in one way or another, is benefiting from this habit of voting for the neighbors. Secondly, I think the debate or criticisms toward this neighbor-voting issue is limited. What I mean by limited is that this neighbor-voting issue doesn't affect the whole participants, or the whole contest at all. I am not saying that it doesn't affect things, of course it does, but it doesn't determine who is going to win the contest. This neighbor-voting habit affects the countries which take their place in the mid-table, that is to say, no country can win the contest only by depending on the votes that are coming from their neighbors. So this habit affects just the mid-table of the final result. If a song is going to win, it definitely needs to get votes from other countries as well. So, in that regard, it can be concluded that the weight and role of neighbor-voting issue is limited with regard to its impact on who is going to win. Deriving from this a formula can be put forward like this: To win the contest, one song needs to get high points from its neighbors, and in addition to this, it definitely needs to get high or middle points from other countries as well. Please let us not forget that there are 42 countries who are voting, so the neighbors are just making 5-6 of these 42 countries.

The Origin(s) of Ambition

2009-03-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

Most of us think about some calm, unmanned, if not completely deserted or desolate, places. We dream about them, we think about them, we admire them, both the places and the people who live there. Not all the time, but sometimes... Sometimes; when we feel ourselves frustrated, exhausted because of the high-tempo of our daily lives in the cities. People flow out of subways, people run to catch things, people try to do better, people try to work more, people try to produce more, and eventually people try to earn more. And yes, sometimes the moment comes, and we start questioning things, the ways we act, the ways we believe and of course, the ways we live. Why am I doing the thing I am doing, why am I not satisfied with what I have, why am I unhappy with my current car, house, clothes, shoes, etc. are the questions then start wandering in our minds, and of course bothering our minds. Not all the time, but sometimes... And then those times together with the questions they bring carry us to some further questionings which finally lead us to the examining of the origins of the things: origins of the ambitions.

Two weeks ago I was reading on the formation of modernity, industrialization, the emergence of "modern economy" and so on and so forth. There I came across a small piece from Adam Smith which is titled as "The Origin of Ambition". Simply put, Smith is interested in the factors that lead people to desire more and more and more. In the essence, Smith argues that it is not the ease, but vanity that motivates people to better their conditions, their lives. He argues that there is nothing good or bad in the idea of richness, or being rich, or becoming rich. Being rich is not something good or bad in itself; rather it finds its meaning or desirability when it becomes the object of vanity. Smith asks:

"For to what purpose is all the toil and bustle of this world? What is the end of avarice and ambition, of the pursuit of wealth, of power and preeminence? Is it to supply the necessities of nature? The wages of the meanest laborer can supply them. We see that they afford him food and clothing, the comfort of a house, and of a family. If we examined his economy with rigour, we should find that he spends a great part of them upon conveniences, which may be regarded as superfluities, and that, upon extraordinary occasions, he can give something even to vanity and distinction. What then is the cause of our aversion to his situation, and why should those who have been educated in the higher ranks of life, regard it as worse than death, to be reduced to live, even without labour, upon the same simple fare with him, to dwell under the same lowly roof, and to be clothed in the same humble attire? Do they imagine that their stomach is better, or their sleep sounder in a palace than in a cottage? The contrary has been so often observed, and, indeed, is so very obvious, though it had neve been observed, that there is nobody ignorant of it."

And then Smith continues explaining how does it happen to be that way, that people want to better their conditions, why people have such ambitions... In short, how does it become so that richness, bettering of one's own conditions becomes and end in itself, a goal to be reached? Smith continues:

"From whence, then, arises that emulation which runs through all the different ranks of men, and what are the advantages which we propose by that great purpose of human life which we call bettering our condition?"

And the answer Smith gives is: "To be observed, to be attended to, to be taken notice of with sympathy, complacency, and approbation, are all the advantages which we can propose to derive from it. It is the vanity, not the ease, or the pleasure, which interests us. But vanity is always founded upon the belief our our being the object of attention and approbation. The rich man glorifies in his riches, because he feels that they naturally draw upon him the attention of the world, and that mankind are disposed to go along with him in all those agreeable emotions with which the advantages of his situation so readily inspire him."

This is the answer of Adam Smith that was taken from his less-known work, The Theory of moral Sentiments (1759).

And then one week later, I was reading some chapters from Marx. There I came across with the same issue, or problem, whatever you call it. And I found that Marx, similar to Smith, was considering the idea of bettering our conditions, not as things good in themselves, but as things which become significant, desirable when compared to the conditions of the others. Marx says:

"A house may be large or small; as long as the surrounding houses are equally small it satisfies all social demands for a dwelling. But let a palace arise beside the little house, and it shrinks from a little house to a hut [...] however high it may shoot up in the course of civilization, if the neighboring palace grows to an equal or even greater extent, the occupant of the relatively small house will feel more and more uncomfortable, dissatisfied and cramped within its four walls."

Of course these are some answers from another time, not necessarily reflecting the "reality" for today's world. Yet I think the question remains the same, and of course unanswered because I know people around the world, here, there and everywhere, continue to struggle for bettering their conditions, but never being able to forget the mind-bothering and disturbing question of why? Isn't the question very simple, and therefore very provoking?

Why?

Başka Türlü Bir Şey

2008-12-22T14:48:00.001-08:00

başka türlü bir şey benim istediğim,
ne ağaca benzer, ne de buluta.
burası gibi değil gideceğim memleket.
denizi ayrı deniz,
havası ayrı hava.

nerde gördüklerim
nerde o beklediğim
rengi başka
tadı başka...

bir başka yolculuk dalından düşmek yere
yaşadığından uzun

bir tatlı yolculuk dalından inmek yere,
ağacın yüksekliğince,
dalın yüksekliğince rüzgarda
ve bir yeni ömür
vardığın çimen yeşilliğince

başka türlü bir şey benim istediğim,
ne ağaca benzer, ne de buluta.
burası gibi değil gideceğim memleket.
denizi ayrı deniz,
havası ayrı hava.

nerde gördüklerim
nerde o beklediğim
rengi başka
tadı başka...

Do We Have to be Scientists?

2008-12-10T22:10:00.001-08:00

Little by little I start thinking - first provoked by my girlfriend actually - about the importance and relevance of academic social scientific research in providing people a meaningful, practical, explanatory and emancipatory picture of the world, the people, the society, the economics, the politics, etc. Many already argue that the science of economics, for instance, has long been detached from the real world out there, and turned into some kind of a game with numbers, statistics and formulas. It is more of a mathematics, so to say, rather than economics anymore. Due to this increasing mathematicization of economics, today a significant number of students, scholars of economics have almost nothing to say about the current global economic crisis. They don't know what's going on; they don't know how to explain it, why and how it happened, how it might be ended; they don't understand it, and of course they don't know how to fix it. Furthermore, many speak of the similar problems for political science, sociology and for other social sciences too, saying that they no longer produce any relevant scientific knowledge when the world is having various kinds of crises, be they economic, political, social or individual.

Is this happening because social sciences, as some argue, become detached from the social reality that they are working on? Did they loose their practical applicability to the real world? Did they become too "academic"? Did they become too "inhuman"?

At that point, I start thinking about ordinary people, not academicians, but who are still, in a way, concerned with these "big" and important, or "philosophical" questions, but nevertheless who are not in any way applying the "scientific", "academic" methods of the academic world in their thinking, investigation, writing, analyzing these questions, such as how wealth should be distributed, who should rule/govern and according to what principles, what should be the basic grounds, norms or values on which a society can be built, how can the conflicts in the world be prevented, etc., To me, it seems like, in the future, maybe soon, the thoughts, ideas of these "ordinary" people holds the potential to be much more valuable in providing people a meaningful picture of what's happening in the world, or in the society they live in.

Damien Rice - I Remember

2008-11-28T11:34:00.001-08:00

I have seen Chris de Burgh live, been to his concert. Now, there are a few more groups and people whom I want to see. And among them, Damien Rice is probably the one that I want to see the most (together with Nightwish! :P )! For me, he is very unique. He has a different style. When you watch him performing, it seems like he is crying inside, something tearing him up inside. It feels like you feel what he is feeling. He is great in showing this. So, in the end, it is not just somebody who is singing a song, but also performing in the full meaning of it. There are not just words, but also different voices, and even strange sounds, but in the end, these what make the song and the performance very touching, very intimate, very sensitive, etc. I should definitely watch him performing live. I should definitely feel these feelings live, in that atmosphere.

Let Me Out... (This Time You!)

2008-11-14T15:42:00.000-08:00

My sleepless nights came back. I am happy on one hand because now I feel that I again have something that can keep me awake in the middle of the night. Something that again burned that fire in me... This motivates my desire to look for the truth, and it is good from this side. However, it is also bad on the other hand. It comes together with its problems, with its difficulties. It brings hopelessness with itself, and that starts another fire on the other side which feeds from my hopelessness of not being able to find it. But all in all, I become happy with the situation in general anyway, because it is just then I start to feel that I am alive again, that I live, that I breathe, I think, I be, become and exist.

What is a man if he can sleep without any difficulties, if he can fall asleep just as he puts his head on the pillow? A man without any sleeping problems is a man, for me, who actually doesn't live in the full meaning of life. They fall into the basket which carries those who don't know the questions, let alone thinking about them or answering them. There are also, as you know, some, who know the questions, find answers (or take them for granted from God, tradition, religion, customs, myth, legend, or whatever) and live with them. And there are also some others, who know the questions, find some answers, but never become satisfied with them because they know that what they find is not the real answer of the whole: the reality, the eternal truth. There is no way out for them either.

At the middle of the night, tonight, I turned my computer on, went on to youtube, and started listening to Damien Rice. This time with another thing in my mind, but with a very similar passion, and wanted to write my feelings, my thoughts, my cryings, my screaming and everything that comes from the deep of my heart and soul and everything that I have inside of me. The song will be my voice, my thoughts, my words...

Sometimes I just want to empty my head, but it doesn't work. I usually do what I need to be free, but I can't achieve in anything. What I want from all of us is to empty our minds, and look for the things really, truly with a pure good intention inside; with the intention of finding them, their essence. We will fail, I know that, but still I don't want us to go blind because I don't want to go blind.

I tried, but I couldn't learn to let it go. In the end, perhaps that was the only thing that I learnt. So I kept looking, trying, searching... I couldn't invent something on which I could believe and live with.

I couldn't leave it, I couldn't find it. And all through these things I have lived and continue to live, I sometimes just wanted to cry out loud and say:

Let me out...
Let me out...
Let me out...
Let me out...
Let me out...
Let me out...

The Part and The Whole

2008-11-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

In one of my essays, I dedicated some effort in thinking about this particularism & universalism issue, or the particle and the whole problem. I also wrote a few things about this issue in another essay because this has been one of the problems that I had in my mind for a long time. Just recently, I came across an article by Leo Strauss who in some ways touched to these issues too. Since the concerns are very similar, I wanted to write some sentences from him.

"Philosophy, as quest for wisdom, is quest for universal knowledge, for knowledge of the whole. [...] The absence of knowledge of the whole does not mean, however, that men do not have thoughts about the whole."

"A quest for knowledge of 'all things' means quest for knowledge of God, the world, and man - or rather quest for knowledge of the natures of all things: the natures in their totality are 'the whole'."

"Philosophy strives for knowledge of the whole. The whole is the totality of the parts. The whole eludes us, but we know parts: we possess partial knowledge of parts. The knowledge which we possess is characterized by a fundamental dualism which has never been overcome."

"Knowledge of the ends of man implies knowledge of the human soul; and the human soul is the only part of the whole which is open to the whole and therefore more akin to the whole than anything else is. But this knowledge is not the knowledge of the whole."

Leo Strauss, "What is Political Philosophy?", The Journal of Politics, Vol. 19, No. 3 (Aug., 1957), pp. 343-368.

YES WE CAN - New Approaches - Entertainment - EMMY WINNER

2008-11-05T00:07:00.001-08:00

Porcupine Tree - Lazarus

2008-10-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Songs come and go, but they leave a trace behind. Maybe just like anything else... But, songs make up some parts of our memories, and we remember them from time to time. We remember the songs and the things that they remind us. It's a two-sided interaction which takes place in our mind; who causes what, I don't know, but that's not very important either. Lazarus is a song I first listened to when I was sitting in my room in Linköping (Sweden) at a dark winter night, while looking outside to the garden covered with snow. I remember the dreams that I had in my mind when I was listening to it. I remember that I was following the moon. I was thinking that it was moving relatively faster than it does in Turkey. I remember the lonely tree in the garden which, approximately one and a half years later, dropped one of its branches after a very strong storm. The song is not one of my favorite songs, but I like the things that it reminds me. And I guess, that's the reason I like the song too, and keep listening to it.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2008-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

After a tiring day, on the way back to the campus, I put my mp3-player on and suddenly felt myself strange. It was like I wasn't there, but maybe somewhere else. Maybe it was the affect of the song I was listening to: "Somewhere over the rainbow".

I started looking around. The clock tower was in front of me, the palace was on the right, and the moon was high-above, shining... Things were in their own places, I had seen them before, but this time, at that moment, they all seemed different to me. It was like they were not real! Maybe I suddenly felt that I was somewhere else; somewhere over the rainbow! Where? I don't know. But that feeling of not being there, or being somewhere else, even for a second, made me feel good.

Can someone be in different places at the same time? Can one communicate with other people from other times?

Maybe I'm crazy, but sometimes I feel that I can!

Autumn and Winter

2008-09-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

Why do I like autumn and winter? Why do I prefer cold weather to the hot one? Why do I like rain and snow?

If I knew myself with all the unknowns, every part of me, every atom that contributed to my body, my mind and character as a whole, then maybe there wouldn't be any limitation in front of my knowledge about myself. Then, I could have an answer to these questions above as well. Nevertheless, can't I have any answers anyway? Or can't I try at all?

Autumn is the beginning of the death of the nature; the transition period from youth to old ages; from summer to winter. Many of my friends say that I usually act like I'm much older than I'm, so maybe deep inside of me I'm an old man and this goes to the surface of me when the time comes and the nature (autumn and winter) calls! :) Rain reminds me of tears, crying and of course reminds me of sadness. Since I'm mostly skeptical about happiness, I'm more tend to feel myself closer to sadness. This is because I think that sadness reveals itself more openly, so that you can really know what it is. On the other hand, happiness is like a secret box which you cannot guess what could come out from. Happiness is more surprising because you can't know what's going to happen next once you think that you're happy. For me, it feels like what really exists is the sadness, and happiness is like a temporary disorder that happens to some people from time to time. One second you can feel yourself happy, and it can go away just in some seconds. Happiness is very fragile, and temporary, and therefore not very reliable to me. Sadness, on the other hand, is more permanent; it is strong. You can understand what it is like, you can rely on it, so you can guess what's coming next when you're sad. This makes it reliable.

So, maybe that's why I like autumn and winter.

In addition to these, I like autumn because of the falling leaves, their great colors differing from various tones of brown, yellow and sometimes orange. I like the image that they have in my mind when they are lying on the ground, covering all the places that I need to walk...

Finally, autumn, but especially winter of course, reminds me of the December Flower, and I start longing for it. And maybe that's another reason why I like autumn and winter.

“One” & “one”

2008-08-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

To walk behind someone, to run, to take steps...

For days, for weeks, months, and even for years...

To look for, to search...

To find little signs, clues...

Like finding the lost pieces of a big puzzle...

And to put the pieces into their places when found...

What a big puzzle it is indeed...

That we loose ourselves in...

Time flows, the pieces get together, and we find things...

We start thinking that we have found the answer too,

Which, actually, is the question of another one.

We go on and on in this cycle...

But not all the time...

And, not all of us...

Some of us cannot find the answers…

Some of us don’t even know the questions...

There’s not much that we can say or do about these...

Some of us become satisfied with their findings...

They accept the answer that comes to them...

And live with it...

For a while...

Some of us are aware that the answer they find is actually not the “real” answer...

They come and go between the lines of hopelessness and helplessness...

They are hopeless because they think that they cannot get out of this cycle…

Out of this obscurity…

That’s what they know…

Because that’s what they experienced, lived and saw for all their life…

For those, it seems like there’s no way out…

And indeed, there is not…

Also, they are helpless…

Coz they are stuck between the desire for finding an answer and being unable to find one.

The need of an answer!

They burn with the fire of it, and suffer in pain…

It feels like drowning…

But they should continue searching in order to find a way out.

Because they have to find a way out!

Because they have no other way out!

And when they have no way out,

They are hopeless again!

Because they know that they cannot find an answer!

And at the same time, they are helpless too…

Because, there is no other way than continuing searching, and trying…

They greet each other…

One looks confused; the other looks cold…

Excited, trembling inside, a little bit shy, and guilty at the same time…

She feels so…

They both came from a long distance…

They both worked very hard…

They looked for the answers to their questions…

And answers?

Yea, they found some…

But they were aware of this endless cycle,

Of hopelessness and helplessness that has been mentioned above,

Of obscurities and the fake answers which give us a chance, a privilege, an opportunity,

To live in peace and comfort for a while…

It was easy to stand back and judge!

But, could we ever know how much she has lived and experienced too…

She loved him for a long time too…

After finding him once, she didn’t want to let him slip away from her hands…

And maybe the first time she saw him,

She felt the same way as he felt when he saw the other…

And maybe she still feels…

Could they be the evidence of selfishness?

The messages which were never delivered,

The flowers which have never been sent,

The letters which have never been given by her,

To him, whom she also loves…

Selfish?

Selfishness?

The wishes were stepping in then…

And we were wishing that it could be that easy to give an answer…

But the place where the answer could lie,

Only meant something for one part of the problem…

However, the problem was much bigger, much deeper and much more complicated…

Therefore, the so-called answer was neither the answer of the whole,

– By the way, what was the whole?

And nor it was able to carry the ones, who had an answer for their part of the problem,

More than a few days, weeks, months or years at most…

It couldn’t do it!

Because it wasn’t its mission, or its aim!

And it didn’t have any power for that either…

Because it wasn’t supposed to give us the “eternal answers”…

It was needless to ask for forgiveness for the so-called selfish acts,

For what have been done, and what have not been done…

It was nonsense and stupid to say that “it wasn’t right to ask that from her”

Because, it was her most basic right…

“Most basic right?”…

Even saying this could mean that we were questioning her right,

So probably, we should just say nothing about all these things at all…

Apology, mercy?

Who was going to apologize who?

And who was going to ask for mercy from who?

She wasn’t going to apologize for what she had done!

Or maybe it was her who deserved an apology!

Or maybe none of them deserved, or maybe both of them did…

It was just difficult to make a decision, to choose a side, and to find an answer…

Maybe it was easy and also useless to say “difficult” too…

Because maybe it was supposed to be like that…

Difficult…

As usual…

And the rest of the story was this well-known adventure…

Running behind the so-called answer…

Wasn’t it amazing that a little, tiny, deceitful and artificial answer-like thing

Was able to excite the person…

Who did the wrong?

Or the right?

Which one?

Or which ones?

The one who loved?

The one who gave hope?

The one who packed up and gone?

The one who separated them?

The one who loved without a response?

The one whose heart is broken, or the one who broke the heart?

The one who made the other sad, or the one who got sad?

Or, the one who made the other happy?

The one who loved, the one who was loved, or the one who was made love with?

Was it the one who sacrificed his/her years?

Or the one who left in some minutes?

Which one?

I couldn’t find…

Actually, I wasn’t able to find…

Because I wasn’t supposed to find…

I was a single piece,

Among the billions of other pieces…

And I was a single piece among the billions of others which were the small pieces of,

The other billions, trillions and quadrillions…

I was only one…

I was inside that One and I was a part of that One as well…

But all these weren’t enough…

I was hopeless because I wasn’t able to find the answer.

And I was never going to be able to…

At the same time, I was helpless…

Because I had no other choice, but to continue searching…

“I was just one…”

At the end of everything…

That was my only answer...

Please see "Wicker Park" for more...

Chris de Burgh Istanbul Concert

2008-07-08T01:52:00.000-07:00

The concert was going to be broadcasted last sunday, but unfortunately due to the delays (approximately 2-3 hours) in the Wimbledon final game, the TV decided not to show it then. So, it was postponed to this sunday (20 July 2008). You can watch it from the website of CNN Turk by clicking on the "Canli Yayin" button.

The concert time is:

21:00h Turkish time
20:00h Central European time
19:00h UK
2:00 pm US East Coast
11:00 am US West Coast

P.S: Maybe I might appear on TV during the concert too, because I was in the very front of the stage during the last 40 minutes of the concert. Plus, I also danced with a friend during one of the songs, and the cameras were all around us. They might show it too. :)

M. Mehdi Karimi

2008-07-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

Today I came across an Iranian musician whom I've found through the forum of my favorite musician, Chris de Burgh: M. Mehdi Karimi.

As far as I learned, he is actually a ship captain, and at the same time professional musician. From his website, you can listen to his album. I should say that when I first started listening to his songs, I was really surprized because I didn't expect to hear such good tunes, melodies and voice of course. He has such a voice that gives you the feeling of flying. It is a very soft voice that makes you feel relaxed.

So far I listened to three songs of him, and I liked all three, however, I think I liked the first one, "Once n Forever" a little bit more than the others. :) So, please pay attention to that one if you ever decide to listen to his songs. After the website is loaded, you just press the PLAY button to listen to the songs.

Changes in the Blog

2008-07-06T08:20:00.001-07:00

Hi,

I made some changes in the blog. I added a photo of mine, and updated my profile. I added a list of the blogs which I regularly follow. There are also some other blogs which I follow too; however, I couldn't add them to this list. So, apart from the blog list, I decided to keep my old "Links" section. I also added another tool on the right side of the blog through which you can subscribe to this blog, but I have no idea how you can use it. :)

Süleymaniye and Nice Memories...

2008-07-02T10:02:00.001-07:00

Today I felt very tired and a bit sick. I was really hungry during the afternoon, maybe that was the reason, or maybe it was something else, I don't know. I was in a research institution where I usually go and study. After feeling sick and hungry, I decided to go out and find a place to eat something. I walked slowly toward Süleymaniye. I was planning to sit there at a restaurant and eat something. While passing by different restaurants, suddenly I felt something familiar in front of one of them. I didn't plan it before in my mind, like where to eat, etc., but just at that moment, I found myself in front of the restaurant where we sat down and ate last year. I stopped looking for a place, because I have found it, and then sat down at the exact table and seat that I sat one year ago. I ordered the food, which you found "disgusting" but anyway :). I started looking around; everything was almost the same, but there was just one thing different: your seat was empty. Then I decided to take a few photos of the place, of the sorrounding area, of Süleymaniye Mosque, and of course of your empty seat.

Meeting Chris de Burgh!

2008-06-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

On the concert day, we decided to meet in two different groups. Necip and his fiancé decided to go to the concert place by themselves, and I, together with others, Umut and Fatih, who were coming from Izmir, decided to meet at a central place in Istanbul around 3pm, and spend some time together before the concert! Umut had been to the Ephesus concert in Izmir, which was about 16 years ago, and he was a great fan of Chris de Burgh (CdeB from now on). Fatih, who was a great fan too, however, unfortunately, didn’t have any chance to see him live before. The concert was going to start at 9pm, so we had enough time for everything! We first sat down somewhere and ate something together, and then went out for a walk to think what we can give to CdeB as a gift from Turkey and from us. We had a hard time in making a decision. When I was in Stuttgart concert in December 1st, 2006, I saw people giving him bottles of wine, etc., so I thought that perhaps we could buy him a special drink from Turkey, a very strong one called Raki! However, this idea was rejected by the others because CdeB probably wouldn’t like the taste. Then, Umut, who has been to CdeB concert 16 years ago in Ephesus, Turkey, remembered something CdeB said during the concert. What a memory, right! He said that CdeB mentioned during that concert that he was interested in Turkish classical music. Then we said, ok let’s buy a famous one then, and so we bought a CD of Zeki Müren, a very famous singer who passed away some years ago. In addition to that, we also bought another CD of a modern dance group, The Anatolian Fire, which we thought could be interesting for CdeB. After meeting another friend, Alin Aylin Yagcioglu, who is an opera singer, we headed toward the concert place.

We arrived at the concert place around 7:45pm which was about 30 minutes before meeting CdeB. When it was around 8pm, I went to the stage-area to find CdeB’s personal assistant. It has been very easy to find him because he was just there standing and talking with some other guys! He told us to wait for some minutes, and then he took us to the back of the stage. We stopped in front of another small building at the back of the stage and waited for a few minutes. Then suddenly, CdeB appeared in front of us! He first shook our hands one by one, and commented on my CdeB t-shirt by saying that “Oh, I know this man!” It was a t-shirt that I’ve bought in Stuttgart concert place before meeting my beautiful friend Gerlinde, in 2006, December 1st. After the introduction part, we started giving our gifts to him. We gave him the CDs which we bought. Necip gave him nice roses in a vase and an invitation of his marriage in an envelope! I, myself, prepared a short information letter about one of our friends, Chris Ayhan Erbey, (changed his name after Chris de Burgh of course) who suddenly passed away two years ago after a tragic car accident. One of his dreams was to see CdeB in a concert in Turkey again, but unfortunately, this dream didn’t come true. Nevertheless, by writing this letter about him and giving it to CdeB himself during the meeting, I thought that we, his CdeB fan friends, could probably help fulfilling some parts of his dreams, by letting CdeB know about him, his life, and his love for CdeB, etc. And, we did it! We gave the letter to CdeB, and his first reaction was: “Oh, I remember this name!” So, he remembered the story about Chris Ayhan Erbey as well. I knew that Astrid (a friend who has close contacts with CdeB) had sent out emails to CdeB before too, but I didn’t expect CdeB to remember that still. But it was nice of course that he remembered Chris Ayhan Erbey and his sad story. In addition to the letter, we took Chris Ayhan’s wife, Gamze, with us to the meeting, so that at least his wife could meet CdeB. It was really a very nice and emotional moment when CdeB learnt that she was Chris Ayhan’s wife. CdeB showed a close attention to her and hugged her, and shared her intense, emotional moments by hugging her and tapping her back to comfort her. Later I asked CdeB to sign a t-shirt for a friend of ours, Baris, who lives in the USA and unfortunately couldn’t make it to the concert due to some visa problems. Then, our friend Aylin had her songbooks signed, and gave CdeB a CD of her own recordings. She said that it is her dream to sing together with CdeB and make a duet with him. CdeB, with a smile on his face, but with a serious tone, said that she was luckier on that than the rest of the people who were waiting on the other side of the stage! After that, Aylin said that she wants to sing as his back vocal! Then Chris replied smiling that it would be good because she was much prettier than his current back vocal! Aylin was dressed in red, and of course you know why! (Ladyyy innnnn reeeeddddd! :) ) Fortunately she succeeded in doing the thing which she thought that could happen during the concert. Of course, I mean dancing with CdeB. While they were dancing, CdeB also let her to sing one sentence from the song, which I think was nice too. Who knows, maybe she might make it to a more serious stage later and might find an opportunity to sing with CdeB one day, or become his back vocal! I don’t know, maybe I am a bit naïve, but after thinking about the story of Kristyna Myles, who says that it can’t happen! Nothing is impossible, I think.

Life is going (on)... but where? :P

2008-05-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have relatively been intense. First I took this exhausting English test, TOEFL. A few days later, I took another exhausting exam in Turkish. It was a test for students who want to pursue graduate study at university.

After that I started waiting for a PhD application result. The result wasn't very good, so I was rejected. Probably I would be sad, but on the same day I received this information, I got another email with good news in it! :) After some conversations with a friend, we managed to arrange a special greeting and meeting with Chris de Burgh prior to his concert in Istanbul on the 24th of May. Just two days ago! It was really a very great moment in my life, being very close to my most favorite singer, touching him, taking photos with him, etc. He was very polite and he showed very close interest in the things that we told him, such as things about us, our gifts, some special requests that we wanted to make, etc. :)

The concert itself was really great too. We were 7 friends together, and throughout the concert we sang all the songs together. My friend, who was sitting next to me, had the chance to dance with Chris de Burgh during the concert while he was singing Lady In Red while walking among the audience. She was very very lucky. :)

Now, being back to normal life again, I am busy with other PhD applications. This time, I hope to get some admissions from a few of these universities which I am going to apply.

I want to...

2008-05-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

I want to write a song... I want to write a book... I want to travel the world... I want to understand things... I want to find God...

Do I want too much?

Eva - Nightwish...

2008-04-22T02:46:00.001-07:00

Nice song and a nice scene...

A Life For Search: Some Unfinished Thoughts

2008-04-22T02:36:00.000-07:00

If a life is for searching, then it is not for finding. Is it really so, or should it be so? I think these are questions that should be answered by individuals who are trying to find a way for their lives. It is a kind of a dilemmatic situation in which you either choose to live your life according to some permanent “truths”, or according to constantly changing ones.

A life for search means that you are always in search of things. You search for everything and anything that is in life. A life for search means that your primary aim in life is to search. But what about finding? When you are willing to dedicate your life to searching, does it mean that there is no finding?

Dedicating your life to searching involves critical evaluation of everything in life, not taking them for granted. In that process, everything comes to your way in life gets critically evaluated by you through reason, experience. Does it mean that you’ll never find something, or that you’ll never believe that you’ve found something? The answer is no, because searching is meant to be done for finding. However, if searching is more foundational or primary than finding, then your findings will be valid and reliable until you come up with something “better”, “nicer”, something more “true”, “real”, etc.

So, when you come across a better truth, what happens then? Do you just replace the old and the new truths, or do you do something else? I think I do replace them, but I don’t throw the old one away completely. I keep the old one, its meaning, its importance, its memories and value for me, but I continue living the rest of the life with the new truths, until I find a new and a better one.

When I look back and think about the process that brought me to that way of thinking, I basically see two sources: 1) My life, my experiences, observations, my readings, and 2) the lives, experiences, observations and reading of others. A combination of these two, I think, has brought me into this state of mind approximately two years ago resulting with the production of a poem-like essay which I wrote after I started thinking about “reality” or “truth”. My humble conclusion, at that point, was that I was stuck between two things: Desire and Constraint.

I had a strong desire about finding or at least searching for the “truth”, and that had been one of my greatest motivations in life. However, I was constrained with inadequacies of being a human, so that I knew that I could never find the “truth”! It might sound pessimistic, but it is not, because as soon as you start thinking that you cannot find the “truth”, your heart, mind, body, etc. fills with a new desire for continuing searching for the “truth”.

I was stuck between two states of feelings: I was helpless because I knew that I had no other choices, but to continue searching, and I was hopeless because I knew that I could never find the “truth”. And when I was hopeless, I would remember again that I had no other choices, and that I should continue searching. Being helpless and hopeless were two important things in my life, because they were the two things that directed my life. Whether I will be able to transcend one day the limits of these two, and get out of this “endless” cycle or not, I don't know, but I think being in this situation is a pre-step for a better one, which might be more complicated, complex, etc.

What I know is that, if I am ever going to go out of this “endless” cycle one day, it will be with my own efforts. So, in the final analysis, the only thing is left to do is to continue searching…

Chris de Burgh - The Snows of New York

2008-04-18T14:00:00.001-07:00

He is soon coming to Istanbul, on May 24th, after 15 looong years. I will be there too. At the very front rows. He will probably sing that one too, one of his greatest songs. We will join him. He will like that. Hopefully. And It will be nice.

Back in Istanbul. Again.

2008-04-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

By yesterday evening, I was again back at somewhere. This time it was Istanbul. Again. After approximately 4 months. I am back again. Like I have been back to somewhere else sometime before. Now again. I am back. Again. I am. Back. Now.

Los awatiñas - matata thunkaru BOLIVIA

2008-03-24T14:43:00.001-07:00

Bolivia... One of my dream countries... :)

Eurovision (Sweden)

2008-03-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Finally the process came to an end, and now the representative of Sweden for the Eurovision song contest is known to all: Charlotte Perelli, "Hero". Eventhough it wasn't my favorite, I think it was a good song. So, good luck to Charlotte in the real contest in May.

I had two favorites which were;

1) BWO, "Lay Your Love on Me"
2) Linda Bengtzing, "Hur Svårt Kan Det Va?"

Differences and Perspectives

2008-02-25T14:00:00.001-08:00

I feel strange when I come across interesting people with interesting lives. By interesting, we usually mean, different. I think I also mean that when I say interesting. It seems different in the sense that we cannot feel ourselves equipped enough to understand their lives, their values, their aims, etc. in this life. We are not equipped enough to comprehend why they are living in a certain way while we are living in another way.

This might seem like an unimportant issue to spend time for thinking when looking from some people's perpective, because for these kind of people, it is a matter of individuality, being tolerant and respectful to the differences. However, I think some people mix two important concepts when approaching these kinds of issues: 1) Respect 2) Ignorance. These people think that people respect to other peoples' lives, choices, when I, on the other hand, believe that they are in fact being ignorant about other peoples' lives, choices, tastes, appearance, etc. They don't really respect to other peoples' lives, choices because being respectful requires a deep and real understanding of the "other", whoever he/she/it is. Instead, these kind of people should be considered as more ignorant than being respectful, because they are simply indifferent to other peoples' lives around them. As a matter of fact, I think this is because of the rigid individuality that is inherent in peoples' identity and their lives which is of course a result of the social construction of a particular belief, ideology and way of life.

I think it is really a painful and a difficult process to come accross differences, especially come accross those which has really significant contradictory bases and foundations to our way of live, values, beliefs, ideologies, etc. Easy way is to ignore, and continue living in your own way. The difficult way is to choose understanding, and trying to overcome the challenge that you faced.

Why am I talking on such a subject? Maybe because I came accross a difference again which I believe interesting. http://reynoldsatshilohdairy.blogspot.com/

About the Last Entry from Youtube...

2008-01-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

Well, this evening I opened my blog with a little surprize. Or maybe it's a big surprize... Now, I can't really understand how it came to become possible. The thing with the last entry (Maxim - Znaesh Li ti) is that it wasn't me who added it to the blog. Somebody else did. I don't know who. I don't know how, and I don't know why.

Maybe the email account which I use to log in here has been hacked, or I just forgot to log out from my account after I used the youtube last time in a shared computer. I don't know...

But the interesting thing is I really liked the song. :) It is really nice.

Maxim - Znaesh li ti

2008-01-26T16:45:00.001-08:00

Peter Sarstedt - Where Do You Go To My Lovely

2008-01-20T10:19:00.001-08:00

A chilly evening in Stockholm, somewhere in some gatan which I dont exactly remember, in a small cinema, two people are sitting together, watching the movie, and listening to the song... That song...

Being Back...

2008-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

Being back to a place after a long time in which you have been before. It makes you have strange feelings; it makes you start thinking about the past, the present, and the future. Spending some months or years in a certain place, and then leaving that place for another place to spend some other months, and then after a while, being again back to that first place... Like a circle, or a cycle, or whatever you may want to call it.

Being back, going back, back, backward, behind... You start thinking whether it is a progress, and improvement, or is it some kind of going back, failure, loss. Then you start thinking about time and think whether it is lineer and continuing on one line, and through one dimension: to the future, to newer moments, perhaps to better ones. Then you start getting confused about everything: time, space, place, people, the world, friends, teachers, roads, cars, busses, trains, sometimes planes and airports, sometimes the clock on your cell-phone, sometimes the clock on the wall of the train station, or somewhere central, hanging on a wall, on a big building in the city, maybe in Stockholm, maybe in Istanbul, maybe in Brussels, maybe in La Paz, maybe in Mindanao, or who knows, maybe in Mars, or Venus. I don't know how it feels to be up there, to have this consciousness of time, and the feeling of the place, the space, and all others that are surrounding you.

Last time, I walked in most of the places that I used to walk, or ride with my bike, here in Linköping, and tried to feel those feelings, which are very strange in essence, that made me feel like a stranger in some ways, and like a habitant in many others. Stepping on the roads which I walked on, breathing the air... Really... Is it the same air that I breathe when I'm in Istanbul, and the air that I breathe in Linköping. Let alone comparing the air between Istanbul and Linköping, is it really the same air in Stockholm and in Linköping? Or is it the same air in Gamla Stan or T-Centralen? Is it the same time? Are they the same places? What is it that changes things, people, time and places?

Linköping reminded me of the December Flower, and its struggle. Though it's January now, I could still feel its presence, but I didn't dare to go, and see it in its place. Because I was afraid. I was afraid to see that it lost its struggle in what it was aiming, and couldn't survive. In my mind, it is still there, living, struggling, facing countless difficulties, and overcoming them, facing with new ones again and again, but still surviving. I have this in my mind, I want this image to stay like that. As long as possible.

P.S: Let's drink that "cup of coffee" Isabella, maybe next time I come here again... Or maybe when you come to Stockholm! If you still want to, of course! :)

An Interesting Project

2007-12-07T03:01:00.000-08:00

An Argentinian family took their photos every year on the same day, June 17th, as a private family ritual, as they call it. By looking at their photos every year, you can both see the changes and the continuities. Interesting.

http://zonezero.com/magazine/essays/diegotime/time.html

December Flower

2007-12-01T13:59:00.000-08:00

It was unique. It was lonely. It was the last survivor of the other thousands. It was the only one who was able to make it that far; still fighting to live, struggling to breathe! It was already the heart of the winter; it was december, the ferocious period of the winter, the time when the nature had no pity for anyone or anything around. But it was still trying...

I saw it only once so far. It was trembling, shaking, freezing... You could feel its shivering from far away. Nobody really did know its story; why it was trying to survive; why it didn't choose the easy way, and just let it go. It could do like other thousands did, and just let its body mix with the soil under the white and cold cover of the snow, and wait for the time to born again. But it didn't do that, and instead tried to stay alive. Why? What was it in its mind? Was it waiting for something? And if so, what could that be?

It was its decision... It was difficult, but for it, it was worth it. It was either going to vanish forever, or succeed in what it was aiming for. Nobody did really know its story.

December was hard, and it was getting colder and colder. It wanted to breathe in order to continue living, but the more it breathed, the more painful it became to live. It was afraid of freezing... Freezing and loosing its conscience. It was its conscience that kept it alive for that whole tough winter conditions.

It wanted to hold on to life, it wanted to stay alive, it struggled.
The december was hard.
It continued fighting:
The december flower...

How to Argue... and Actually Improve Your Health

2007-10-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

I found this piece of writing on yahoo, and wanted to post it here, since it also reflects my thoughts, opinions about that matter.

Is being nice bad for your health?

A recent study in the July report of Psychosomatic Medicine found that married women who bottled up their feelings after an argument were four times as likely to experience declining health as women who expressed their feelings openly.

This reluctance to express emotions and communicate openly is referred to as "self-silencing," and it has a devastating effect on our physical and emotional health. In fact, self-silencing has been linked to depression, eating disorders, and heart disease.

Despite these negative side effects, many couples still refrain from communicating honestly with their partner -- particularly if the needed communication is anything less than pleasant. Couples may fear expressing anger or sadness to their loved ones, as it may come across as criticism or judgment. However, without this crucial candor, relationships suffer and emotions fester.
So how can you communicate with your partner in a way that is kind but effective?

Be Authentic. When couples argue, they tend to get caught up in the "who, what, when, and why" of the argument, rather than truly expressing what the argument really makes them feel. Instead, couples should be more descriptive of their feelings, because that's the crux of the issue. For instance, rather than "I can't believe you were late for dinner and didn't call me! This is just like last month when you [insert past indiscretion here]." A better way to truly express your real feelings about your partner's lack of punctuality would be to say, "It makes me sad when you are late and I don't know where you are. I get worried and feel sick to my stomach."

Fight to Love, Not to Win. If you get into an argument with your spouse with the intention of proving how "right" you are, the argument will never be resolved. Instead, make love your goal during the dust-up. All couples fight, but there is a way to fight with harmony in mind. Insulting your partner, bringing up past fights, giving the silent treatment, or pretending like nothing is wrong are ineffective ways to solve an argument and merely add fuel to the fire.

Keep It Sweet. Utah researchers found that marital arguing style has a correlation to couples' heart health. Couples who argued with hostility (Think remarks like, "Don't you know anything, you idiot?") were more likely to experience poor cardiac health than couples who argued with kindness (Think remarks like, "What you said just now hurt me. Can we talk about it?"). This type of composure during an argument is certainly easier said than done, so have a few safety mechanisms in place ahead of time. For instance, agree to take a breather for 30 minutes when arguments start to spiral out of control, or use a safety word (perhaps a funny reference to your favorite comedy) to defuse the situation.

Lastly, be sure to end each argument or cold spell with your spouse with affection and gratitude. It is easy to forget appreciation and love when you are in the middle of a fight with your partner, which is why it is so important to express these emotions after the issue is resolved.

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/sexualhealing/24512/how-to-argueand-actually-improve-your-health

Giorgia - Gocce di Memoria (La Finestra di Fronte)

2007-10-14T05:57:00.001-07:00

Just nice and suitable for my mood at the moment!

A Nice Website...

2007-10-03T02:30:00.000-07:00

Today, while I was checking the newspapers, I came across a news telling about a new website that has been started as a part of a campaign which tries to challenge the ideas, and perhaps even prejudices, of people about Islam and Muslims. The name of the campaign is "Islam is Peace", and it was originally started by British Muslims. The target people are mainly the British people, but of course it can serve in the benefit of larger groups of people from all over the world, since it is the content, I think, that really is important rather than who did it and for who. :)

The website is useful in one sense that it gives brief, simple but very clear explanations, and doesn't go into details. Otherwise it could be very boring for a reader who has just started learning about Islam.

Please check the website to learn more about the campaign...

http://www.islamispeace.org.uk/

My Dream House...

2007-09-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

Today, I was talking to one of my Chinese friends. She told me that she has just rented a new apartment on her own. During our conversation tonight on msn, she also showed me her flat with her camera. Two bedrooms, living room, kitchen and bath... It looked quite nice to my eyes for a newly graduated young woman, and I really appreciated her "success". After that, I was thinking to myself about when and where (and also how of course) I will be able to buy my own house? Then, I came across this photo on internet, and decided to buy this one sometime in the future, and somehow... :) You are most velcome to donate me some money, so that I can realize this dream of mine... Any help is most appreciated. Thanks in advance! :) P.S: It's a bit small, but I think I can live that... :P

Git! Tanrı Aşkına!!!

2007-09-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

"Eğer bu fırsatın da kaçmasına izin verirsen,
Sonra, zamanla,
Kuruyan ve kırılganlaşan senin kalbin olur,
Tıpkı benim kemiklerim gibi...
Bu yüzden,
Git!
Tanrı aşkına..."

Damien Rice @ L'olympia - Accidental Babies

2007-09-16T01:08:00.001-07:00

Well I held you like a lover:
Happy hands
And your elbow in the appropriate place.

And we ignored our others:
Happy plans
With a delicate look upon your face.

Our bodies moved and hardened:
Hurting parts of your garden
With no room for a pardon
In a place
Where no one knows
What we have done.

Do you cum?
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?

What about me?

Well you held me like a lover:
Sweaty hands
And my foot in the appropriate place.

And we use cushions to cover:
Happy glands
In the mild eschew of our disgrace.

Our minds pressed and guarded:
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space
For the light-hearted
In the boom
That beats our drum.

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive
Without me?
If so: be free.
If not: leave him for me.
Before one of us has accidental babies.
For We are in love.

Do you cum?
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
Is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?

What about me?
What about me?
What about...?

Dreams...

2007-09-07T13:20:00.001-07:00

This morning I had some interesting dreams...

I saw one nice one, I guess, just before I woke up. I dreamed that I was in Ireland with some other people. I don't know who they were. We were on a hill which was covered with different colored flowers. The flowers were really very tall, almost at my height. I know that because I was walking or running through the flowers, and I remember that I was almost lost among them. :) They were really high... What made that dream nice, I guess, is the way it made me feel. That nice atmosphere which I tried to describe above (the green hill, the flowers, etc.) played an important role on the way I felt: It was very relaxing, peaceful and comfortable being in the middle of those flowers on the top of that hill, and looking around from that height.

It was very relaxing... :)

From Hesitancy to Action...

2007-09-06T01:24:00.000-07:00

Being in a state of hesitancy, I guess, is one of the most time-wasting and energy-consuming thing. There is a saying I know which says that "the worst decision is better than being indecisive!" Like all those old sayings, I think this one has also some truth in it. Anyway...

Since the end of my master's programme in Linköping University, and since the rejection of my applications to some Ph.D. programmes, I have been in such a situation - a state of hesitancy. It's been almost 3 months, but finally I managed to make my final decision about what to do with the next months, or maybe next years of my life. Three months was a long time, but I don't have the energy and the motivation to think whether, in the end, it has been good, useful or not. Right now, I just don't want to make further calculations, rational analyses, instead I just want to finish this hesitancy period and start doing something concrete and productive as soon as possible.

If things go ok, I hope that I will start studying in a master's programme, again, but this time at a different university where I also want to continue studying Ph.D. So, in that sense, I think maybe this master's programme might serve as a preparation for me for the Ph.D. programme.

I just turned 25 yesterday. I think I should think more seriously about my future anymore. It feels like another turning point, we will see what it will bring, or what I will take from it. We will see... :)

Back to the Beginning...

2007-08-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

Back from Bosnia to the point I have left with full of mixed thoughts and feelings about the future, about what to do and where to do.

Nevertheless the process is continuing, and we will see what will happen...

Hopefully, soon... :)

In the Middle of Something...

2007-07-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel like that and you realize that you don't belong strictly to one point in space. One part of you longs for a certain place, while the other part dreams of another one.

It's been 23 days since I arrived in Istanbul, and since then I have been busy visiting my friends, professors, going from one place to another, etc. One part of my mind has been busy with some certain things, such as looking for accommodation and scholarship for school, applying for the passport extension, applying for visa, etc. These will take me to another place when all finished finally. However, while doing all these things and putting all these efforts to realize them, the other part of my mind has been busy with some other things. It kept telling and continues to keep telling me that I already have accommodation in the place that I live at the moment. It tells me that I don't have to find a scholarship. It tells me that I don't have to apply for a visa or a passport or whatever. It tells me that I will be close to my family, to my best friends, and to many important people who has a place in my life, studies, career. It tells me that I will be living in a society to which I will feel myself strongly connected, and thus feel that I am useful for the society, or if not for the whole society, at least for the goodness of, perhaps, some few other people. It tells me that the things will be easier if I choose those.

The other part doesn't have such strong arguments at the moment.

Now standing here, I feel myself in the middle of something... Both has its own disadvantages and advantages, and I cannot decide which one to choose at the moment. On Friday, I will be going to Bosnia for two weeks for a youth camp where I will be together with other young people from Bosnia, Montenegro, Slovenia, USA, etc. We will both be working in the field, for instance helping the construction of a Mosque and a Church, cleaning a river, etc., and learning in the lectures by doing things together, by talking about things together, through games, etc. Apart from all these things that the camp provides, actually I am hoping to find some peaceful time, so that I can think about these things I have mentioned above. Who knows, maybe it will be better if I think about them in a third place which is neither Sweden, nor Turkey.

I want to write more, but unfortunately don't have the energy. I may write from Bosnia. Maybe... Or I may write when I back from Bosnia.

Istanbul...

2007-07-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

Now, being back to my home in Istanbul, it feels exciting, nice, happy and relaxed for some reasons, and feels sad, anxious, worried for some others... So, logically, what I am actually feeling at the moment must be a combination of all these above! Hehe. And you can imagine that it feels very strange.

Today, I just sat at home and took it easy. Tomorrow, I will be going out to meet my friends. One of my friends is going to give a concert (classical Turkish music) in an educational institution where I used to go regularly before coming to Sweden. There I will also meet some of my Professors.

Decisions...

2007-06-19T03:37:00.001-07:00

Two down, one left...

En Poem...

2007-06-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

Imorgon ska jag ha ett stort test i C-level på Svenska. Efteråt ska jag vara klar med Svenska kursen i SFI också. Jag hoppas at det ska bli bra så att jag kan inte göra test igen, tycker jag. Eftersom är jag inte säkert om var jag ska vara i framtiden, det är bättre om jag godkänner nu! Ikväll såg på en film som var inte så bra, även en dum film, man kan säga. :) Det var en vanlig romantisk film. Ingen intelligens, samma gamla historia, och sånt. :) Men, det var en sak som var lite intressant. Jag tycker att det var en av Kirsten Dunst's första filmer, men det vetat jag inte när jag laddade ner filmen. Plus, det var en fin poem, eller en sång, i filmen som jag gillade. :) Jag vet inte om det har en titel, eller inte, men det var fin i alla fall. :) Så är här poemen...

Du långa natt med dina tröga timmar, fort ila.
Skilj mig en timme från mig svälv.

Låt mig sova för när jag sover
Drömmer jag att du är här
Du är min all min rädsla försvinner
I luften då jag svävar
Näktergalarna sjunger
Stilla vaggvisor

Så låt mig sluta
Mina ögon och sova
Kanske rentav drömma
Så att jag kan se ansiktet
Som jag längtar efter att ta på
Och kyssa
Men bara drömmar kan ge mig det

Så låt månen skina mjukt på pojken
Som jag längtar efter att få se
Och kanske när han drömmer
Så drömmer han om mig

Jag svävar under molnen
Och viskar till aftonstjärnan
De säger mig att kärleken
Bara är en dröm bort
En dröm bort
En dröm bort

Så låt månen skina mjukt på pojken
Som jag längtar efter att få se
Och kanske när han drömmer
Så drömmer han om mig
Dröm om mig

LiU Campus: Yesterday Evening

2007-06-10T04:28:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I walked to campus again. It is approx. a 25 mins walk with my slow-motion walking. :) It is nice, because it serves both like a psychological and physical relaxation process for me through which I can concentrate deeply on my thoughts and problems etc., plus have some fresh air, and also do some exercise. :)

I remember from my readings of Kant that he also used to have some walks every morning, but I remember that he suggests not to be busy with other things except walking itself. He means, while walking the person should only focus on that action, and not think, not talk, etc. It has been told that he never accepted anybody to accompany him during his walkings because they might want to talk to him, discuss things with him, etc. The reason behind this is that he thinks concentrating on two things is not healthy for humans. So, I don't know if I'm doing something unhealthy while thinking to myself and walking at the same time, but anyway... :) So far, I haven't seen any negative effects on me. :)

When I arrive, I just lay myself down on the grass in one corner of the campus, then read, watch the sky, think, make plans, sleep for a while, then wake up, think again, watch the sky, read again, make plans, write a few things (anything, :) ), etc. But yesterday one thing attracted my attention. It is the fact that the campus and the sorrounding student places are getting more and more quiet. Everyday students are leaving, and going back to their home towns, or home countries. Less and less people are walking in the streets and in the campus anymore, and more and more quiet it is getting here. This quietness reminds me of the Christmas time here in Linköping when almost all students were away and the student places looked like taunted, or something like that. The differences now are that it is not dark and cold right now when compared to December. It felt for me then as if a disease or a disaster destroyed the city together with the people in it, and it was only me who survived. I remember my lonely walks in the campus when there were nobody, and no light around. It was "interesting"... :)

Next week, it is the week that some things will be clarified...
Hope & Fear...
We'll see...

What!?!?!?!?!?!?

2007-06-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

It was a very interesting evening.

The last thing I remember was that I went to the kitchen to prepare something for dinner... I remember that it was too crowded at that moment, and I thought that I can wait for a while to start cooking. In the meantime, I returned my room, and lied down in my bed just to have some rest, but then I guess I fell asleep. I think it was around 7pm. Now it is 11:49, and I have just waken up 5-10 mins ago. First, I couldn't understand whether it was morning, or not. I thought it was morning, but I remembered that I heard some music while I was sleeping. I think in my dream I was asking myself, why people are playing that loud music in the middle of the night? :)

Right now, I still cannot understand how did this happen! :) I feel a bit strange! Isn't it morning yet? :)

A Little Advertisement! :)

2007-06-04T07:41:00.001-07:00

Since I opened this personal blog, I was also thinking of creating some other blogs to write about some other issues. About two weeks ago, I opened another blog, Kurtlar Vadisi: Eleştirel Bir Bakış, (The Valley of the Wolves: A Critical Approach) which is specifically dedicated to the critical analysis of a very popular Turkish TV serie. The serie itself is called "Kurtlar Vadisi: Pusu" (in English, it is called "The Valley of the Wolves: The Ambush"). It is a mafia-serie which is trying to "uncover" some of the important political deaths that has occurred in Turkey in the last 20 years. One of them is, for instance, the death of the 8th President of Turkey, Turgut Özal.

The other blog, Muzikal Blog, is about music which I try to run together with another Turkish friend. In fact, we haven't met each other yet in real life, but ok, we can be considered as friends. :) The blog is about music, and we are trying to bring together "different", "unique", "interesting", etc., sounds, songs from all over the world. Actually through this "project", we both contribute to the enriching of our own music taste and diversity, and also try to create a multi-dimensional, multi-vocal atmosphere for other listeners. Do we sound too ambitious? Well, maybe, but in fact, we are not so! :) Anybody who would like to contribute to our project is very much welcome! You can contribute by either being a regular writer in our blog, or by just suggesting us the songs which you consider "interesting", "different", and "unique".

Hope to hear from you... :)

Nightwish - Dark Chest Of Wonders (Lowlands 2005)

2007-06-04T07:34:00.001-07:00

With the suggestion of a friend, I started listening to Nightwish. After listening to many of their songs in the last one week, I think most of their songs remind each other in many ways, but still their music in general has their unique character. It is energetic, it is stirring, it is not just distortion metallic sounds, but also it is melodic. Some of their songs which I liked are; Planet Hell, Ever Dream, End of All Hope, Sleeping Sun, Gethsemane and Wish I Had an Angel. But among them, in these days, I mostly listen to this one: Dark Chest of Wonders. I especially like the last part which starts after 3:55. At that point, it is as if the song explodes or something like that! :)

Sleepless, Annoyed, Anxious, Excited, Uncertain and Stressful! All together!

2007-06-04T06:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes many things, altogether, affect your mood; therefore the implications can be very intense. Tonight, I had an uncomfortable sleep full of unclear dreams, or nightmares, even I cannot decide now what they were, so…

In addition to that, I had to wake up early, (around 6 o’clock) and go to the train station to say goodbye to my friend who came from Turkey last week to defend her thesis. She came, defended, and she returned.

Later, I returned home, but couldn’t really sleep.

In the afternoon, I went to Swedish Course. Our regular teacher’s mother was sick, so there was a substitute teacher who was really annoying with her full-speed speaking. She didn’t listen to our complains, she didn’t slow down her speed, so we didn’t understand many of the things. I couldn’t stand her anymore, and to her attitudes, so I just came back during the break.

Another thing is about my thesis. I defended it last week, and it went quite well, but I heard that one of the students had some complains to the Professor about my thesis. Now there are some rumors going around that I will have to make some changes on my thesis. I sent an email to the Professor, but he didn’t answer yet. We will see…

One of the most stressful issues is waiting… In my case, right now, it is about waiting for the results of my PhD applications! Even though I am not really hopeful, I cannot help myself to not to think about them all the time. It is both anxiety, and excite in their utmost intensiveness!

Another very stressful issue is uncertainty. For example, uncertainty between two people. It is stressful, because you just make one part of the issue, and cannot really affect the other person.

So, thinking about these over again… Sleeplessness could be overcome… It is not that difficult. Our regular teacher’s mom will get better soon, so our teacher will return to our class, and this annoying, super-fast speaking teacher “problem” will be overcome also. The things concerning the thesis will become clear when I hear from the Professor. If there’s no revision required, then it means everything is fine, if not, then I may need to work on my thesis for a little while, but it is not really a very big problem either.

Then it means, I’m left with the last two issues. Even though it is very very stressful to wait for the results, it won’t take that long because the results will be announced by the mid of June. So it means there is at most 5-10 days left. It is stressful, but it is going to finish one day anyway!

And the last thing… Who knows what will happen…

On The Edge of New Decisions...

2007-05-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Life…

What else can you expect? :) It is the same old things everyday… Days just follow each other; applications are being done one after another. Anxiety, excite come and go. Rejections, admissions we all have seen before, and this what we will probably see in the future. Then sadness or happiness will follow depending on the “color” of the decision or the result. Hopes will continue to lie in the future, and will help us to postpone our aims to an unknown future also. With the hope of realizing our aims one day, we will be able to continue living.

What else can you expect? :)

Hüsnü Şenlendirici Hasretinle yandı gönlüm

2007-05-29T01:40:00.001-07:00

The Americans!!! :)

2007-05-28T04:17:00.000-07:00

Please check out this video... http://trava.kiev.ua/archives/729

I cannot decide whether I should laugh at them, or just pity them... It is just really disgusting, annoying, horrible, etc. But if a man like George W. Bush the Second can become the president of a country, especially a country which is so-called the Superpower of the world, then you might think that there's nothing wrong with these people. Of course, we know that they don't represent the people of America, they are just a small part of it, but still I believe that you can make judgements moving from the answers of these people. But anyway, it is really that annoying, I even cannot find energy to take it more seriously, and talk about it...

Maybe the best thing is to say... "Well... Americans..." and then put a mocking smile on your face. That's it...

By the way, my favorites are... :)

Question: Who is Fidel Castro?
Answer: A Singer?

Question: What is the currency used in the United Kingdom?
Answer: What is the United Kingdom? I don't know. Queen Elisabeth's Money? That's all I know.

Question: Kofi Annan is a drink. True or False?
Answer: Coffee is a drink!

And the black guy who is running/doing sports, whatever, was the BEST of the best!!!!!! :D

"I'm a little bit mixed up over the Palestinians and the Israelis. Which one is throwing the rocks?"

Princess, Thesis...

2007-05-23T09:38:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, we made a "study-trip" to Stockholm with our classmates from SFI. In the morning, we visited the Riksdags Huset (parliament), and in the afternoon we were on our own, so we wandered in the streets of Gamla Stan, sat somewhere and talked, talked, talked... :)

In the afternoon, while we were wandering near the Riksdags Huset, we saw a crowd looking at a point. We walked closer to the crowd, and there we saw Princess Victoria waving to the a person in a car, we later learnt that he was the Japanese Emperor. We tried to take some photos of her, and we did, but unfortunately we were a bit far away from her, and our camera's zoom was not very good.

After the cars have left the place, Victoria waved to the crowd, and went inside the house. Since we were also in the crowd, it means that she waved to us also! :)

After she went inside, another "important" person went out of the house, and he was the Prime Minister of Sweden, Fredrik Reinfeldt. He just walked away together with some other people, and dissapeared. For sure, he didn't attract the same attention from the crowd as Victoria did! :)

It was a very nice coincidence for us since we were in Stockholm just for a daily visit. We saw two important people in a row. :) Apart from them, I was "planning" to see a friend, but it didn't happen. The timing was bad, as she says... Maybe next time...

Later in the evening, we returned to Linköping...

Apart from this trip, two days ago, I have submitted the final draft of my master's thesis, and today the thesis seminar list has been put on our programme's website along with the final versions of the thesis.

Every student is supposed to both present his/her thesis, and also take place as a discussant in one of the thesis of other students. I will be discussant in my Chinese friend's (Mi Tao) thesis, and a Nigerian friend (Ohio) will be my discussant.

I will present my thesis on June 1st around 11am in the morning. My thesis is titled as: "The United Nations Security Council Reform: A Critical Approach", and it simply aims to analyze the reform process of the UN Security Council, and explain why it hasn't been possible to reform that body in the last 17 years. It is worth to note that establishing whole United Nations took just 3 years in total, but the reform of only one of its bodies, the Security Council, took 17 years until now, without forgetting that there is still no significant improvement in the reform process.

And also, you are most welcome to the presentation on the 1st of June! :)

Michael Jackson - Stranger in Moscow

2007-05-23T04:42:00.001-07:00

I changed the video. The previous one was not working. I hope this will appear on the blog soon, not like the previous one which appeared after 1 day! :) This is the video that I was watching in the evening of 21st of May. Rain, Linköping, etc... Perfect song for such a night... ;)

Linköping: Just Now… (21:27)

2007-05-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

Sitting on my chair, in front of my window in my room, and watching this nice, warm, quiet spring evening here in Linköping, listening to the silence, to the sounds of the dropping rain, looking out to darkness and thinking, wondering, dreaming about … something, somebody, somewhere… Who knows what, who, where?

And wondering how nights are up there; how does it feel to spend a certain night, in your certain place and at your certain time, looking out of the window while you’re sitting on your chair, or maybe while standing next to your window, looking out to darkness, and thinking, wondering, dreaming about … something, somebody, somewhere… What, who, where?

Is it raining there also?
Is it the same rain?

Tell me…
What do you see?

Some Photos from Student Orchestra Festival in Linköping

2007-05-19T14:38:00.001-07:00

Istanbul: Stad Utan Slut

2007-05-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

Idag lånade jag en bok från biblioteket om Istanbul som heter: ”Istanbul: Stad Utan Slut”. En del av boken består av olika fenomen i staden, till exempel, trafik, kaféer, mat, pengar, och vatten, men den berättar om historia också. Skrivare också säger att ”förutom reseessäerna innehåller boken guidedel. Här finns allt från stadens historia i korthet till mina egna favoritkaféer och de mest användbara webbadresserna.”

I boken det finns också översättningar av några Turkiska poeter, till exempel:

Jag lyssnar till Istanbul med slutna ögon
Nu blåser en lätt bris
Sakta vajar
löven i träden
Vattenförsäljarnas bjällror pinglar
ändlöst i fjärran
Jag lyssnar till Istanbul med slutna ögon

Eurovision 2007 - Results

2007-05-13T03:35:00.000-07:00

It was an interesting night... :) One of my favorites (Serbia) won the contest, but another favorite (Irealand) became the last in the list! :) Furthermore, the worst song (Ukraine), for me, became the second in the contest. So, considering these results, I think, one cannot depend on my predictions. :)

Congratulations Serbia...

Eurovision 2007

2007-05-12T03:35:00.000-07:00

Well, there are about 8 hours till Eurovision final, and I thought that I have still some time to write my comments about some general issues concerning the contest, about some of the finalists, my favorite ones, and who might win, etc.

After the unexpected victory of Lordi last year, I think it is more proper to start with this ROCK tendency this year. In the semi-final, as far as I counted, there were 9 rock songs among 28 semi-finalists. However, only one of them (Moldova) could make it to the final. That was a bit surprising for me, because I thought that the wind of Lordi will continue to blow in this year’s contest and will bring some success to these kinds of songs, but it seems it will not! In the final, there is going to be 5 rock songs (France, Moldova, Sweden, Finland, Lithuania), according to what I have counted. And among these, I think the songs of Moldova and Sweden are the best ones. Then comes the songs of France and Finland, and finally Lithuania’s, in my opinion.

Secondly, the language issue… I should first say that I am a bit surprised when I heard that France’s song is half English, and half French! If the English (the language) invasion of the Eurovision songs has even reached to France, then I think the alarm bells are really ringing! This, of course, depends on where you stand and look, but for me, the national or local languages should be used. This is one of the ways of contributing to the richness of the contest, if you consider it as a European Song Festival or something like that. In the final, there is going to be 10 countries singing in English, except the UK, Ireland.

After these general issues, I can make some comments on some certain songs.

Ireland: It is one of my favorites. Local instruments, local sounds, melodies are plus for me to mention in the first stage. In addition, the song itself is very nice. Even though it starts with a low speed, later it increases its tempo. Considering the previous 7 victories of Ireland with similar songs in Eurovision, I think they might be very successful this time also, and even win the contest. They are my favorite for the top 3.

Russia: This song is really ugly. Moreover, the stage show makes it worse. It is as if they are performing a “sex show”, but not a song! I agree that every country has their own tactics to try to win the contest, but remembering the Moldova example of previous year with a similar sexy show, I don’t think that Russia will make any good this year. They are my favorite for the last 4! :)

Ukraine: There’s nothing much to say about Ukraine’s song, just watch and see for yourselves. :) My strongest candidate for the 24th place! :P

Now, finally, I can make a list about the results of the contest… Tomorrow I can make a comparison. :)

1-2-3: Sweden, Ireland, Serbia (Any of them might win! I can't decide at the moment.)

4. Greece
5. Moldova
6. France
7. Finland
8. F.Y.R Macedonia
9. Bulgaria
10. Turkey

11. Bosnia and Herzegovina
12. Lithuania
13. The United Kingdom
14. Romania
15. Belarus
16. Hungary
17. Germany
18. Spain
19. Slovenia
20. Georgia

21. Russia
22. Latvia
23. Armenia
24. Ukraine

Iron Maiden The Trooper By Gauchos

2007-05-10T00:49:00.001-07:00

This is really one of the greatest videos I have ever watched on Youtube! :) And it is probably the nicest band I have ever seen! :) Even though the song is not that easy to play, they perform a great show, I think. Especially the little vocalist is very funny! :) She's very cute and very talented, isn't she?!!! :)

Hello Saferide - Loneliness Is Better When You're Not Alone

2007-04-22T14:33:00.001-07:00

What would you say if I asked of you
- out of loneliness, out of loneliness
What would you say if I asked of you
- out of loneliness, out of loneliness
Could I be with you
Can I be with you

It’s warm inside the night club
Your face is lit up by a disco light
I don’t want to go home alone, not tonight
I have a picture of a man who used to sit in that chair
I will go anywhere
Just as long as I’m with someone
You will do, just take me home for tea

If I told you my stories and sang you my songs
Would you laugh at me
Would you pity me
What would you say if I asked of you
Not out of accident, out of loneliness
Would you shelter me
Will you shelter me

I will be gone when you wake up
No awkward breakfasts, I swear
And don’t you look for me, because I could be anywhere
In someone else’s house
In someone else’s arms
With someone else to warm the pain away

What can I ask of you
What would you want from me
What would you say if I just fell asleep

Utpost

2007-04-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

Utrikespolitiska studentföreningen i Linköping är en religiöst och partipolitiskt obunden förening som genom olika former av verksamhet uppmärksammar utrikespolitik. Utpost är Föreningens webbtidning.

Utpost är ett forum för åsikter och här förekommer tydliga ställningstaganden i olika frågor relaterade till utrikespolitik. Som helhet tar inte föreningen ställning i några frågor, det som framförs i Utpost betyder inte att föreningen står för detta.

http://www.uf.studorg.liu.se/utpost.php

Beslut, Beslut, Beslut...

2007-04-20T03:00:00.000-07:00

Idag, är jag lite ledsen för att jag fick beslut av min andra ansökning, och de sa att de accepterate mig inte. Nu har jag två ansökningar kvar, men jag är tyvärr inte förhoppningsfull om dem också.

Some Provoked Thoughts...

2007-04-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Some of you might remember that a while ago I added a piece of writing in Swedish on solitude in general, and on my own solitude in particular. However, I removed it in a few days time, because I didn’t feel comfortable with it. In that piece of writing, I was trying to attract some attention to loneliness in general. As you know, in every general problematic that we take, there is a personal space in it through which we become connected to the general problem. In addition, either by knowing through the facts or by assuming hypothetically that there are other people out there struggling with same or similar problems, we become connected to others, or more precisely, to the society in which we live in.

However, today one might extend the limits of his/her feeling of connectedness with other people, since we live in a so-called “global village”. One might perfectly feel that he/she shares a common problem with another individual on the other side of the world, or with another group of people or with another society as a whole. This can be called as a hypothetical common space, to which people from around the world become connected by sharing some similar or same problems.

However, can this feeling of belonging to a common hypothetical space be furthered in time dimension also? I mean, can people feel themselves connected to others in different times, not only in different spaces? Such as, can a man living in 1990 feel himself connected with a man of 18th century? Can there be a hypothetical common time for people who feel themselves connected to each other through some common problems?

These are what I was thinking today, sitting on the green grass on a sunny spring day in a corner of the campus under a still-dead tree which will hopefully wake up and become green soon, and reading the diaries of Isabelle Eberhardt written from a different space (Cagliari) and from a different time (1900).

I was thinking whether a man living in Sweden in 2007 could feel himself connected with a woman, through some kind of similar problems that they have, who has lived in Switzerland and in various countries in Northern Africa between 1877 and 1904?

Moreover, I was thinking whether two people can become connected to each other, in some ways, even though one of them has died long long before the other one was even born? If yes, how would their relationship be? Would it be a one-sided relation, I mean led by one of the partners only, the living one, or would it be a two-sided interaction?

At that point, I remembered a movie which I watched some time ago with almost the same story. It was called: “The Lake House”. In that story, the man was from the past, and the woman from the future, however they become connected to each other, in a way, so that they could communicate with each other.

It seems admirable to me since I even cannot have a "heatlhy communication" with my friends with whom I live in the same space and time!

These things came into my mind after reading the beginning paragraph of Isabelle’s diary which she wrote at the beginning of a new century in Cagliari on the 1st of January 1900. I think, it wouldn’t be exaggeration to say that somebody else couldn’t describe my current feelings/situation better than that, even though she was describing her own situation in a different time and space!

And she says…

“I am alone, sitting facing the grey expanse of the shifting sea … I am alone … alone as I’ve always been everywhere, as I’ll always be throughout this seductive and deceptive universe … alone, with a whole world of dashed hopes, disappointment and disillusion behind me, and of memories that grow daily more distant, almost losing all reality.”

I will continue later as I read the diaries...

12 Hours Later...

2007-04-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

Writing in a strange mood… Trying to understand a few things, either small or big… Being done with a work which you have been occupied in the last 8 months (almost), and suddenly feeling yourself “empty”.

Honestly, I didn’t expect to feel like that, especially after writing that entry yesterday with a relaxed mood… I guess I was hoping to taste a relatively “long” period of happiness, some contentment, some relaxation… Something real, not temporary… Now, I see that it didn’t happen, one more time… And it’s gone…

Happiness… Why is it that difficult to find you? Why you are always that far that my arms cannot reach? Questions, and questions…

Once, a famous Turkish poet (Nazim Hikmet) asked a question to a famous Turkish painter (Abidin Dino): “Can you draw the picture of happiness Abidin?”

There are some rumors on that saying that Abidin drew that picture which I added here. I don’t know of course, whether this has been really drawn by Abidin, or not, but it doesn’t matter, since it aims to picturize this “abstract” concept, feeling, etc. that everybody is looking for…

I am not a good painter, nor I am a happy man, nor have ever really been happy, but still thinking about Nazim Hikmet’s question I think my picture would be more simple: a waist to embrace, a hair to fondle or play with, and a knee to put your head on and sleep…

The thesis-work is left behind, and I didn’t become “happy”. Should I try something else? Should I look for a waist to embrace, a hair to play with, or a knee to put my head on and sleep? Should I go behind her? “Happiness” has always been far, like she has always been to me. So, I think maybe she is the actual form of “happiness”, something that can be matched with the abstract idea of being happy, or attaining happiness. So, maybe attaining her is attaining happiness, or vice versa.

Happiness is far, and “she” too…
Should I go behind her?

Äntligen är jag klar med min uppsats!

2007-04-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, finally... :) Can you see the smile on my face? Well, it is really a nice feeling. Even though this is the first draft, which means I will have to work on it for a while again after receiving the feedback from my supervisor, it feels good at the moment. Now, my friends, who have been asking me all the time whether I have finished my thesis or not, can relax too, I guess. ;)

For now, I can just relax and focus on other things until I receive the feedback from my supervisor.

So, what do I plan to do now? Well, actually not so much, and not so interesting either, but anyway...

First of all, starting from Monday, I will continue to the Swedish Course which I had to take a break because of the thesis.

Secondly, there are two books which I plan to read. One is a recommendation from a friend from Mexico. The book is called "One Hundred Years of Solitude" written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. The other is called "The Nomad: The Diaries of Isabelle Eberhardt" Before this book, I read a biography of Isabelle Eberhardt written by Annette Kobak which I liked very much, and now I guess it is better to read her own writings to know her better.

Thirdly, I am planning to have some walking tours in the city. Perhaps it is more proper to call it "wandering", but anyway... :) Without any purpose, you just wander among people, try new streets, new shops, sit when you are tired, look around, observe what other people are doing, etc. This is what I call wandering in the city. It is also a relaxation process for me that helps me to stay away from the daily thoughts and concerns. Moreover, it helps me to concentrate on my thoughts more easily, or to think about new things, new ideas, new plans - of course future plans, etc. I also think that maybe I can write here if I see anything interesting during my tours. :)

Anyway... "Taking It Easy" period waiting for me... Until I receive the feedback from my supervisor!

We'll see how it is going to be... ;)

The Five Variable Love Test

2007-04-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is low.
You've probably either had only one relationship..
Or all of your relationships have been very similar.
You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is high.
Sure you believe in love, but you know it doesn't come easily.
You scoff at "love at first site" and "soumates."
You rather take the real thing, as unglamorous as it is.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test